After you lose your child, so many new and crazy emotions that are so foreign come up. For me, I started to feel crazy and lost. I thought I was the only one who felt like this, and I needed to figure out what to do. As I went to therapy, and I started talking with other mothers who have also lost a child, I learned what I was feeling was normal with grief, and most everyone feels these emotions on some level.
Arias magnolia tree, looking mighty lonely and sad after a frost.
But I’ve found, that no matter how much support I had, no matter how much love there was around me, there are parts of grief that can only be done alone. It’s a path you have to carve out for yourself. Even your spouse will carve out their own path in their grief. And this can make us feel so so lonely.
We each have our own story. Even though we have lost a child. We all have our own story of how things happened, our feelings surrounding what happened, and even if we have a similar story to someone else, no one can fully know YOUR story. Only you know that.
”I’m just done. Ready to be done with this life and move on to the next. So sick of the sadness, the stress, the anxiety, the anger, the snappiness. No one else understands, everyone wants to try but they have no clue how awful each day actually is. I guess I wouldn’t want others to understand either, but it sure makes you feel alone”.
This was something I found that I had written in the earlier days of my grief. I had a lot of support, but still, the loneliness and the feeling that nobody understands is there for all of us.
No matter where you are, if you are with people or not, you can feel alone. It’s hard to be involved in conversation. Nothing really matters anymore. Superficial things. Money, people, how do we care about any of it, when it doesn’t really matter. You can love you friends and family, but don’t have the energy to “chat”. Don’t have much to say. This is all part of grief, and I promise you are going to be okay. I know it’s lonely. I know it’s hard. I know sometimes you are just done. Like I was.
But that tough work of grief has to be done alone and within yourself sometimes. Sometimes that screaming, the anger, the crying, the pain, it is work that you need to do alone. Sometimes you might be able to be with someone else, but other times, nobody knows that pain here, just you.
I am not at all advocating you draw within yourself and don’t talk. NOT AT ALL! I think it’s so important to share your story, and share your pain with others, give your pain and trust to God. I just know there are some parts of grief that cannot be shared, and I’m sure you know those parts as well.
Do you know what I’m talking about? The parts of grief that can only be done by you? The parts that no one, no matter how caring and loving can help you? I want you to know, that I’m thinking of you. I want you to know that I know those feelings and the feelings of being alone. You got this. <3
Feeling alone is just one of the many emotions we feel in grief. I put together a list of emotions that are often and commonly felt in grief. Just because you haven’t felt something on this list, doesn’t mean its not okay or real. You can get my list of emotions of grief below.