246: Must Be Nice

As I was pondering what this week’s episode should be about, my mind came to a conversation I had with some friends a while back. We were talking about a few different things that I want to bring up here and talk about, and share my thoughts on it.

So, I can’t remember which came first, but the first part of this is how we were talking about when we are struggling with something, say anxiety, depression, grief, weight, or whatever it is, and say, you have this thing you’re dealing with, and then you put in a ton of effort and work. Like an unbelievable amount of energy to heal, process, and find ways to manage or cope. The two examples that were brought up, one was anxiety, and the other was losing weight after having a baby.

When you put in a ton of energy and work to get to where you are, and then someone else tells you, oh it must be nice.

It must be nice to be you. It must be nice that you do not have anxiety anymore. It must be nice to lose weight so easily. It must be nice to come to a better place in grief.

Under all this it must be nice, there are two things. The belief is that it came easily to the other person and that it’s not possible for the person who is saying it.

If you notice yourself talking about other people, wow it must be nice, notice if you are thinking those things. Do you think it came easily to them? That it just happened to them? And you’re just waiting for it to happen to you?

Maybe you listen to this podcast, and you think that what I share about, how I share about flowing between emotions, that Aria’s death date isn’t hard, that grief doesn’t weigh me down every day, these kinds of things and you think, oh it must be nice. Good for you but that would never happen for me. Again, not only does it diminish the amount of energy and effort, time, and money I’ve put into my own healing, but it shuts down the possibility for you as well.

So in this conversation, we talked about some of the ladies who lost baby weight quickly and people would say to them they must be nice, and they were like, hey, this didn’t come easily for me. I worked so hard for this. Or another lady with anxiety, her friend would complain to her about her anxiety, and tell her how nice it was for her to not have it as much anymore, and she was like hey, I’ve worked so hard, and done tons of things to get where I am…and guess what. You can too.

In all this, I’m not diminishing how hard it feels, or how stuck you might feel. I’m not diminishing at all that you can’t see how it would be possible for you. Because when you are there, you can’t see any difference. I’m hoping by sharing this, it cracks open just a little light of possibility for you, that every person you look at that you think must be nice, or that life comes easily to them, or these things come easily to them, maybe sometimes they do, but the majority of the time, they’ve worked their butts off to get where they are. And sometimes that means investing in help and assistance if you’re feeling super stuck on your own.

That’s what I absolutely love to help others with because you don’t have to stay there, there’s always another path. Maybe I’m an eternal optimist, but I do believe, that in some ways life can always get better.

So, this brings me to the other part of the conversation we were talking about. And if I shared this already on a podcast, forgive me, I know I shared it somewhere but I think it was on Instagram, On which side note, I changed my name on IG to Grieving Moms Haven from Cultivated Family, because I’m really focusing that account on grief and away from sharing more of my personal life. This doesn’t mean there won’t be pictures of my life and whatnot, but just not about our travels on the bus and much about our day-to-day and our kids. I shared about our travels for a while, and for some reason, I’ve drawn within a bit, and I just really want to keep our travels and special moments just for us as a family. I just don’t feel the need to share! Unless I talk in person or maybe share little glimpses on this podcast…Anyways, back to what I was saying…One mom asked me, don’t you think some people just have too many trials or too hard of a life? Like, aren't there some people who just have too much to bear?

My response? Absolutely not. Let me explain. First off, how horrible to be that person that others look at and say, wow you’ve just had too hard of a life. Don’t even bother trying anymore. I’ll give you permission to just coast and give up. Not that it’s anyone's permission to give to another human, but regardless. I just don’t see the world through that lens. Yes, life can be so hard. Unbelievable and undeniable, shattering and challenging. And yet, I will never tell anyone that life will always be too hard. That it’s just been too much. I truly believe that there’s always hope.

On my more spiritual and Faith-based side of it, I heard one time from another person that people will say, wow I don’t know how you can handle that, like if your child died. And maybe you don’t either. But you can’t handle it when you think of other situations that are not yours, because it’s not yours to handle. It’s not your burden to bear. But when it is your situation, I do think we are given the strength to handle it. Maybe very weakly and poorly and maybe you don’t feel like you are handling it at all like I certainly didn’t feel like I was handling it at all or that I had any more strength. But here I am now. So far, I’ve handled everything that has come my way. And look at you. So far, to this moment, you’ve handled everything that has come your way. You’ve survived things you didn’t think you would ever survive. And yet you are here. So you do have the strength. Unbelievable strength that you didn’t know you had.

So…No matter where you are in your life, no matter how dark it feels or it’s been, I will continue to shine a light of hope for you. Those things can get better, lighter, and easier. Yes it takes a lot of effort and work, and you have to want to do something different and make a change, but there are so many options, so many ways of getting help. So many ways of going about it.

My friend. This is not the end of your story. If you find yourself in a pity party, which I find myself in from time to time, let yourself sit in it for a bit, but then drag yourself out. Sitting in a pity party will get you nowhere. Looking at others and thinking it’s easier for them than it is for you will get you nowhere. It won’t. Because it’s not easier for them, they have their own trials and you have yours. You only know what yours are, and you can only live your own life.

I say all of this with all the love in the world. Like so so much. If this resonated with you, or spoke to you, let me know, I love to hear from you, message me on IG at Grieving Moms Haven and we can chat!

Before I sign off for this episode, just a reminder that I have a free quiz on my website www.meganhillukka.com for you to see if you are grieving in a healthy way since your child died. It’s a way to see if you need outside assistance and extra support or if you’re doing quite well on your own. And no, not everyone gets the answer that they need help. Just FYI, because maybe some of you are wondering about that!

Anyways, go to www.meganhillukka.com to take that quiz!

Until next week my friends, take care.