250: Why Family and Friends Shouldn't Replace a Coach or Therapist

250: Why Family and Friends Shouldn't Replace a Coach or Therapist

This is not to say that friends and family can’t be a part of your support system but today I want to share my thoughts about why I think friends and family shouldn’t be your only support system. Again, you can agree or disagree with me, that’s okay, I just want to share my perspective from my own experience. This idea for this episode came to me because I’ve been in some ways trying to coach Justin, my husband throughout the years. I have the skills to be his business coach, his life coach, his emotional coach. I know what to do, and how to help him. But it just doesn’t work when I am his wife. And the question I have asked myself as well, even though I love having those kinds of conversations with him, is do I want to be his coach, or do I want to be his wife? And the truth is, I really just want to be his wife and support him. I don’t want to be in the other position. So, he recently hired a coach and it’s just been so clear to me that this is a good thing. It’s a good thing to have an outside perspective and to have someone outside of your close family or friends be your coach.

So the first reason is, they didn’t choose to be a support person. Before you get angry at me, and say you didn’t choose this either, I know you didn’t. You absolutely didn’t choose this, and it’s so unfair. But a coach or a therapist goes into this field choosing to hold space. Choosing to guide and direct. They have the tools, the skills, and the capacity to do this work. They have made a choice to be that person for people who are looking for it.

Your friends and family? They are just trying to live their lives, and they want to support you the best they can, but they also have their own lives, and they can not be everything to you. Even if they wanted to. Even your spouse, can’t be everything for you. Your kids can’t be everything for you. It can take a toll on them as well to be your support person, and if you can spread it out to other people, then it’s not just one person who is in that role for you. I was talking to a friend whose brother died, and she was sharing how she just needed to take a break from her family chat because her sister-in-law was sharing so much that it was getting hard for her to function in her own life, and she needed to take a break. She was happy her sister-in-law felt free to share and that she could, but she also realized how much of a toll it was taking on her own family, and she needed a break herself.

Again, I hear you saying, well I don’t get a break. Why do they deserve it? My life is horrible, and these people can just step out and go back to their lives and take a break. I can never get a break. It’s my life 24/7. I know. I know. I got angry at that too. I was frustrated that I could never take a breath from this pain, and other people could just go back to their whole families and perfect lives. And this is the fine balance I’m trying to share, is that the people in your life who love you, who want to support you, who want to be there for you, they need space too, and they have families or their own lives that they need to take care of. So lean on them, of course, but don’t blame them when they need to take a break or need some space, for their own mental health.

And, another thing you might be saying is, they should be able to support you. They should be there. And the question I have is, should they? Do they? When you’re in the horrificness of it, of course, it seems like they should. But do they have the emotional capacity? Do they know how to? I would hope they would be open to learning, and at least trying. But many people aren’t. I absolutely didn’t know how to before Aria died. I was so awkward, I cared, but I didn’t know what to do or how to show up. I was so emotionally shattered already, I didn’t really have the capacity to hold space for other people. I didn’t know how to listen without taking it all on me.

So, while it’s nice to think they should be supportive, thinking anyone should be doing anything is just harmful to yourself and causing suffering to you. You cannot control them, you are not in charge of them and how they should show up, and thinking they should be doing differently than they are only causes suffering, anger, resentment, and bitterness.

When people do show up and are helpful and supportive, it’s an amazing gift. If you have this in your life, you are very blessed.

The second reason is, sometimes family members and friends are too close emotionally to tell you the honest truth. And they are too in the weeds with you to see something from a different perspective. Thus perpetuating or continuing the pain. Also, a lot of times, that’s the role they are supposed to play. To just listen and let you vent. Let you share.

Say you’re having a challenge with a family member, but other family members are too emotionally invested in either side to be able to completely assist you with what you are trying to work through. It’s a very emotionally charged situation, and when we are emotionally charged, it’s often hard to step back and see the situation from different perspectives, not just your own.

When a family member sees it from your perspective, they feed into the notion that you are right, you are vindicated in the way you feel, you have a right to feel that way, and all those other people are wrong and horrible. I don’t know, but I just feel like this breeds more disconnect, discontent, and anger, and in the end, hurts you more than helps you.

The third reason is a good coach should challenge your thoughts and your way of thinking, or assist you in clearing blocks and bringing new perspectives. Sometimes you just need someone to listen, which is what friends or family can do. And you don’t want your friends to be your coach. For example, I’ve tried to coach my husband, and it just doesn’t work. We have too close of a relationship otherwise, and when I try to share something, he’s not very open to hearing it from me. But from a coach that he paid, he’s way more interested in hearing what they have to say and being open to ideas from them.

This is not a problem for me, it’s what I’ve learned that it’s okay if we need outside perspectives and a few steps away out of our own bubbles for us to be open to a different perspective.

So while friends and family can be good listeners and sometimes good helpers, a good coach or therapist should be assisting you with moving forward, guiding you through processing emotions, giving you tools to cope, and assisting you in learning how to live after your child dies. They are completely different skill sets and tools, so I would highly recommend not replacing outside assistance with your friends and family. Again, it’s not that you can’t talk or share with friends or family, please do, but if you want to have more support and assistance in learning how to live alongside the grief, then get yourself a coach or a therapist. And remember, not all coaches or therapists are created equal. Just because someone is a therapist or a coach doesn’t mean they are good, or that what they say is the truth. There are some really crappy therapists, and maybe they are crappy in the grief area and super useful in other areas, and the same with coaches. But- don’t let that hold you back from exploring your options and getting outside assistance. You won’t regret it.

As always, take care, until next week!