314: The Gift of a Trigger-Free Life: Why Healing is Your Job, Not Theirs
Welcome to the Joyful Mom Podcast!
Here’s a hard truth.
It’s not other people's responsibility to not trigger you. It’s your responsibility to heal your triggers.
That might be hard to swallow. Especially if you are dealing with triggers a lot. But it’s how I see the world and I want to share some stories with you to share this perspective and way of thinking, and why this is so much better for you and those around you instead of everyone having to be so concerned if they are acting in a way that might trigger somebody.
Okay, if you haven’t had triggers, or maybe you don’t know what a trigger is, I’m going to explain it a bit from the way I think about it, so we are on the same page about what triggers are. From my own personal experience when I’ve experienced a trigger here is what it looks like or feels like.
I’m just going about my day, and then I see, hear, or think something that suddenly causes a reaction in my body or mind that feels uncontrollable, out of control, or super intense, especially like an “overreaction” to the situation at hand. It’s especially a trigger if you are the only one who is reacting this way. Everyone else is completely fine and even confused with why you are acting this way, but they don’t understand how intense the feelings and thoughts you are experiencing are.
So that’s what a trigger feels like to me. It usually doesn’t make a ton of sense, unless you know why you are triggered and you already know where it stems from.
I also want to lay a few foundation understandings before we move forward.
One is- there is no shame in getting triggered. This is a thing that can happen to every human. So it’s not that a trigger makes you a bad person or wrong, it’s simply just something to heal. And you didn’t choose to have it, and it’s not your fault.
Next- while I talk about choosing to heal your triggers and it’s not other peoples jobs around you to try to change so you don’t get triggered, there is also a piece of communication, respect, and working together towards the best solution for everyone.
And finally- I’m sharing this from the perspective of 100% belief that every trigger can be completely healed. You may not believe that currently. If you don’t- that’s totally okay, I hope to change your mind someday just by showing you that it’s possible and hopefully helping you experience what it’s like to live a trigger free life, and being able to heal triggers that come up, but I completely, 100% believe triggers can be healed. So if when I say, okay it’s your job to heal the triggers, and you might think- Megan, I’ve tried, I don’t want the trigger, but I don’t know how…I know how to..and it’s absolutely possible. But if you are feeling like you’ve tried everything and you don’t know what to do, and so then when I say heal the trigger it maybe gives you a little bit of a defeated feeling, or something. I’m not sure what feeling it might give you…just know, I’m not telling you that you’re wrong for not healing it…there is a way, and that’s why I share. And So this is the perspective I’m sharing this from.
I read this book called “The Coddling of the American Mind” and it was completely fascinating to me. You will have to read it if you are interested in this kind of stuff, but it really makes the case for how having all these trigger warnings, or walking on eggshells around triggers has actually created a worse situation for mental wellness and mental health.
Now, when I was living with huge trauma and triggers from Aria’s death, yes, I did ask my family members to not post pictures of their sleeping kids on our family chats. However, I was also doing everything I could at the same time to heal. So I want to have that caveat there.
I want to share a story of something that happened to me just the other day that really inspired this episode.
My husband Justin did something that really triggered me. I knew at that moment that my reaction was over the top. I knew that my reaction was unreasonable, that it wasn’t a big deal, and I kept trying to shake it off. At the same time, I knew that he knew that this was a trigger for me. So I was so confused and angry at him why he would intentionally create this situation for this trigger to happen.
I spent the rest of the night very angry at him, because it felt like he was disrespecting me, not showing love to me because he was not aware of something that would trigger me and stop it from happening.
Okay.
That’s a real honest look at the thoughts that go through my mind before I process them, work through them, and come to a more solid understanding. I am also very aware of all of this time, that my thoughts usually are extreme, and they are very rarely 100% true. In fact they are very rarely even 50% true.
Okay. So later, I went and took a sauna by myself, and I was thinking about this and processing this. I came to this conclusion.
It’s not Justin’s responsibility to walk on eggshells around me trying to not trigger me. It’s my responsibility to heal my triggers.
I rarely get triggered these days, and so this time I got triggered it was super noticeable and obvious to me. And it just became so clear to me. Any time a trigger happens to me, it’s my job to heal it. Not Justin's job to try not to trigger me.
So, when I was in the sauna, I took myself through some processes I took my clients through inside of Cleared where they can heal triggers, emotions, and feelings that just keep coming up and feel so intense. I took myself through that process, and we’ll see how it goes next time I face a similar situation.
There are some more things I can do as well so I am no longer affected by this at all. And this is the benefit. Not only do I no longer experience triggers, Justin no longer has to worry about what is going to trigger me or not trigger me.
I also want to clarify, after Justin and I talked about it later, he told me he didn’t realize it was even a big deal for me anymore, so he didn’t even think about it. This is like the joys of miscommunication.
But this is where you can take that phrase triggers can be your teachers. Your triggers show you what there is to heal.
I actually had this happen inside of a Clear Mind Society Call where one mom was sharing an experience that just happened to her, and I was working through it with her, and afterwards another mom shared that her story brought up her own story that was painful that she’s been trying to talk through and heal for years, but she hadn’t talked about it in a while. I don’t think it’s a bad thing to have things come up, they come to the surface and you get to see it as a gift of oh look, this thing is ready to heal and I’m going to do something about it now!
So- now she has the tools to clear that and heal that trigger finally and for good, so that someday when she hears a similar story she doesn’t get that same emotional response again!
My friend, you get to do the work to heal your triggers. No one else can do it for you. No medication can numb you enough to heal the triggers. They are still there underneath the surface. The only way to heal them is to actually heal it at the root level so they don’t happen again.
This is the work I’m committed to do for any triggers that might pop up for myself, this is the work my clients are doing as well…what about you? Are you going to give yourself the gift of a trigger free life? That’s up to you my friend.
I have a free quiz on my website www.meganhillukka.com that you can go take if you’re wondering if you are dealing with anxiety, or if it’s just normal. Sometimes anxiety can be so confusing if you actually need to do something, or if you’re doing just fine but dealing with some things. Go take the quiz and find out!
If you want to learn more about how you can clear anxiety more automatically by rewiring how the mind is working and processing things, go to my website www.meganhillukka.com where you can click on a link to register for my free training, where I will show you what you need in order to do this.
