143: Becoming Aware in Your Grief
You might be thinking right now, umm… I dont’ need to become anymore aware of my grief. I am very aware that it is painful, I am aware and know every second that my child is not here anymore. I never stop thinking about it and I don’t forget. How can I become more aware of my grief? I have never forgotten that I am grieving.
Let me explain. So inside of Grieving Moms Haven you can get access to my program the Life After Child Loss Program. In this, I go through my framework that is like the best step by step guide I can give you on your grief journey. It’s called C.A.R.R.Y.ing Grief, and in Grieving Moms Haven we are going through this program together right now, in May we went through the Curiosity section, but in June, we are going through the awareness section, so that’s what I’m going to share with you today.
When we talk about awareness, I want to share why awareness is so important. If we are not aware of something, we cannot change anything. So when you become aware of something, that’s when you can begin to open up to a different perspective or possibility.
I’ll share a story about when I was recently mountain biking with a group of ladies, many of whom have way more skill mountain biking than I do. Anyways, we came to a sharp corner, and I was like, oh boy, my wheels are too big on my bike, I can’t do sharp corners.
So, this was my belief. I wasn’t even aware it was a belief. I wasn’t even aware that it could be changed, in my mind it was a fact, this is true. I have big wheels on my bike, therefore I can’t do sharp corners. So, do you think I even tried to do sharp corners? No way. I would slow down, go slow, and thus prove to myself that the corners were too sharp. I thought if I wanted to ride better and get more comfortable I would have to get a new bike.
Well, when I offered up my excuse one of the ladies was like, oh wheel size has nothing to do with it, it’s all about balance. Whoah. This opened up my mind and the possibility of me doing corners.
Now, I work on my balance, I see how it feels to go around corners paying attention to how I balance on my bike. I would have never tried, if I still believed that thought.
This is all about what awareness is about. We have things we think are facts, when they actually are what we believe to be true, but aren’t facts. So when we can become aware of what’s going on underneath the surface, then we can open up to different perspectives and possibilities.
So it can actually be more painful as you begin honestly taking a look at what’s going on, if you try to do this by yourself. Because our normal human reaction is to start judging and beating ourselves up. Instead of leading with curiosity, and taking things out gently from underneath the rug, and having a serious honest conversation about what you are thinking, feeling, and going through. It’s the easier thing, to just shove it under the rug and pretend those things don’t exist, like the anger you have inside of you, or that you just really want to break down and cry and crawl into a dark hole, but you keep pushing through.
It is easier to do those things, because it’s pushing off the hard work into the future. One of the most courageous things you can do, is open up to feeling, and looking at the dark side of yourself with compassion and curiosity.
So, here’s an analogy I’ve heard before. When you start looking at whats going through your mind, you might be horrified. I was honestly very unaware of what thoughts were going through my head until it was brought to my attention and when I started to pay attention I wanted to shove the lid back down because what i was thinking was so horrible. I didn’t know I was so negative. I didn't know how much I judged myself. I didn’t know how much I judged others. I didn’t know until I looked, and then I wanted to not look anymore.
But, when I just tried to hide it, did that mean I wasn’t thinking those thoughts anymore? Did that mean I wasn’t judging myself? Judging others? Being negative? No. I was just pretending I wasn’t, which is actually worse than getting honest with myself and being real.
And then, when I was honest, I could take them out, and decide if I want to keep thinking those things. If I want to keep showing up the way I am. I could honestly take a look at it and decide on purpose, rather than feeling out of control, and this is just how it is.
So- back to my analogy that I never finished, maybe I’ve shared this analogy on here before, I’m not actually sure!- imagine that you have a pan that you used to cook turkey in on Thanksgiving. You are trying to clean it and it’s junky and dirty and everything is stuck to the pan. As you are cleaning it, everything seems like it’s getting worse. Everything seems dirtier and junkier than before. But of course it has to get messier than it was before because that’s what has to happen to get it cleaner.
So this is similar to becoming aware. It can happen that you become more aware of what’s going on in your mind and can actually feel worse, because now you’re not ignoring what’s going on inside. You're actually being honest with yourself about it.
But- here’s the thing. When you combine curiosity, and all the tools I offer inside of Grieving Moms Haven, like tapping, emotion meditations, thought work, and community, you can do this work, feeling supported, loved, and cared for, so that you can get to a place where you have more agency and choice in your life.
So, why would I even want to become more aware if it can make things more intense for a time?
Well- for one, just because you are not aware of it, doesn’t mean it’s not there and not negatively affecting your life.
Notice what’s going on in your life. Your relationship with your husband. Your other living children if you have any. Notice how you are sleeping if at all. Notice if you feel resentful and angry a lot. Notice if you have anxiety that is overwhelming and controls a lot of what you do in your life. Notice all these things, and ask yourself if you want to keep living this way. These are all symptoms of something deeper inside. They are all things that feel overwhelming or too big to change, but often, we can hold space and compassion for what’s going on inside of us, and so much can change on the outside.
By becoming more aware of what’s going on in your own head, and what patterns of emotions you have, you can begin to make changes.
“Neuroscience research shows that the only way we can change the way we feel is by becoming aware of our inner experience and learning to befriend what is going inside ourselves.”
This is a quote from one of my favorite books The Body Keeps the Score by Dr Bessel A Van Der Kolk
For example, you can begin to let go of guilt, by noticing what thoughts you are thinking that are creating the guilt in your body. You can begin to question the thoughts that feel so true, and ask yourself if something else could be true. You can allow yourself to feel the guilt, and be in it. As you do that, you are also releasing it at the same time.
As you process this guilt in your body, you are doing so in your body, and also cleaning up the thoughts in your mind. At the core of it, what do you believe about yourself? Do you believe that you deserve to suffer? Do you believe that if you didn’t feel guilty, that would mean you aren’t grieving anymore? Maybe the more pain you are in, the more you suffer, the more it means that you love your child.
When you become aware of what’s going on in your mind, you’re already over halfway there. Awareness if the first step.
We are going to be diving deeper into this as part of Grieving Moms Haven in a call that is specifically all about awareness in June. So if you are ready to do this work, =I want to let you know that Grieving Moms Haven is open right now, and it will be closing in a few days. So if you want to join, you can join for $1 to try it out for a month.
There is so much support, love, and encouragement inside of Grieving Moms Haven, and there are also so many tangible tools to help you cope, and learn how to live with the emotions you feel.
Come join for $1 and try it out, you can go to www.grievingmomshaven.com to join!
If you like this podcast, and found it helpful, I want to invite you come check out Grieving Moms Haven, my monthly community for Grieving moms, where you can learn positive coping mechanisms, find a safe space with others who understand, and learn life long skills that support you as you learn how to carry this weight of grief in your life.
There are group coaching calls where we do guided meditations, tapping meditations, breathwork, and just talk, knowing that everyone in the group is also walking the path of child loss
You can come check out Grieving Moms Haven at www.grievingmomshaven.com
