157: How to Love You
We are going through the last section of the Life After Child Loss Program this month in September, and it’s all about loving yourself again. You get free access to the Life After Child Loss Program when you join Grieving Moms Haven.
It’s about how after your child dies, you become a different person, and so often, mothers tell me that they hate their lives, and they hate themselves.
I see this over and over again how harshly these mothers judge themselves in their grief. They are doing it wrong, they are not enough, they wonder what’s wrong with them, and it goes on and on of how they put themselves at the bottom, and underneath it all, believe that they are not worth the effort, or that they don’t deserve to be taken care of.
I want to put a stop to this belief that you are not worth it, because you are. You are completely worthy and matter as you are.
But I know just me saying that won’t help change this belief or experience for you, so I want to share a little bit about the ideas inside of this section, to help guide you through this.
So, the first part of this is that you have to grieve who you were. There is no going back to who you were before your child died. There’s a before and an after when your child dies. Who you were before, and who you are now. And if you are anything like me, I longed to be who i was before. I cried and cried, looking at pictures of myself laughing, believing that I will never be happy again. I will never have that kind of joy again.
It’s okay to grieve this part of you. They died when your child died. This part is gone.
Then there is who you are now. This is who you are experiencing yourself to be right now. Maybe you don’t even know who that is anymore. You don’t even know yourself anymore. You look in the mirror and you don’t recognize yourself.
This is where you have to be okay with being exactly where you are at. Grieving, being, learning to have compassion for yourself and your journey. Opening up to the cracks and holes in your heart and body and allowing yourself to be there.
Learning techniques like the mindfulness practices I teach and guide moms through, and learning how to be in your body with grief.
As you do this, then look to who you want to be in your future. Maybe looking into your future feels impossible right now, because of the emptiness it holds, but for me, I remember talking with a friend, that we hope that something good comes out of this. We couldn’t see for sure what it could be. We didn’t know what was ahead of us, but we hope we become more compassionate, kind, friendly people, who have a deeper understanding of life and for other humans. And with that north star, I do feel like I have gotten there. And you get to look at your life, and where do you want to go, and who do you want to be? You get to take an active role in your grief and path of who you want to be, if you want to do so. And right now, as you are going through the fire, you can look to where you want to go, and it will guide you to how you can take care of yourself right now.
And throughout all of this is compassion. Compassion for yourself and your situation.
There is a holding space for your grief, that your grief matters, and allowing yourself to grieve in the way that is right for you.
When you learn to love yourself, and you begin practicing self compassion, you don’t put yourself on the back burner every time, and get the dregs of your energy, but you make an appointment with yourself, and stick to it. You make promises to yourself about how you are going to take care of yourself and what you need, and you actually do them. You do what you say you are going to do. You know that you are worthy, and you take care of yourself like you are worthy. You take care of yourself like you give your all to your children or your relationships.
When you learn to love yourself, you learn that this is not selfish, but compassionate caring for yourself, and for the ones in your life.
Because when you take care of yourself everyone in your life benefits from you taking care of you.
So here’s some ideas for learning to love yourself again.
-write down some affirmations. You can choose 10 or so, and either write them every say, record yourself saying them and listen to them, or say them to yourself while looking in the mirror. Each has a different level of intensity, so which one feels best for you.
-when you feel yourself spiraling or going into self hate modes, take the situation and put a friend in your shoes. Or one of your living children. Or someone you love deeply. How would you talk to them? How would you treat them?
-Ask people in your life to tell you how they see you. Many times what they see in you is very different from what you see in you. Look at these things that they share with you and begin to notice the gifts and qualities you have in your life that you may have perceived as bad, and notice the gifts you do have
-Make an appointment with yourself to take care of yourself, when you don’t love yourself, you don’t even bother taking care of yourself, because you don’t matter. Start taking care of yourself. Like you matter. Take care of your physical appearance, but also your mental and emotional self. Make time to do tapping meditations, mindfulness practices, yoga, breath work, journaling, brain dumps, whatever helps you the most. Only you can take care of you, and you get to make that choice to start now
-start paying attention to the mean girl in your head. You can even name her. That way, you can begin to separate from her, noticing her, and being like, oh here’s so and so again. Telling Me I’m worthless and that I shouldn’t bother. But I actually don’t listen to them anymore, thank goodness!
If you have been listening to this podcast, and you have gotten help, if it’s saved your life like many of you have messaged me and told me this, I want you to know that this podcast is just the tip of the iceberg of how I can help you. If this has helped you, why haven’t you dove in further? To Grieving Moms Haven, to come to Grieving Moms Haven Retreat, or working 1:1 with me? I promise you, if you have noticed change with this, going deeper with me will help you on a whole new level, and why not get help and guidance in what is the hardest and most challenging thing you can ever go through.
I always create this podcast with you in mind, that you would learn even one small thing that could help ease the pain of grief for a moment. Take what works for you and leave the rest. We all have our own journeys, and I will continue to share here what I’ve learned and what I continue to learn. I’m building the path for you to follow, so you have a guide of sorts through the darkness.
All my love, see you next week!
Are you ready to stop cycling in the pain and anguish of grief? What if you could get a moment of calm and respite? After your child dies, everything feels hopeless, dark, and it’s hard to even think straight. Staying in survival mode keeps the cycle going.
Register to watch this free video on how to stop the pain, and feel better again.
