158: Is There a Wrong Way to Grieve?
Hi everyone! Today is going to be a good episode, and I’m excited for it! If you’re new to Grieving Moms Podcast, welcome to listening, though I’m sorry you need to be here. It’s the catch 22. I’m happy you are here, but also not happy for the reason you are here. If you have been listening for a while, thank you. Thank you. This is why I do this, because you are listening, and to keep helping you. I can’t tell you how many messages I get from moms telling me this podcast has saved their life, and I hope in some way it has helped you too.
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Okay, so, I want to talk about the idea that there’s no wrong way to grieve. This idea is thrown out over and over again. Whatever you are doing in your grief, it’s okay. There’s no wrong way to grieve. And I get it, when you are in the midst of grief, it’s hard to know what’s up from down, and sometimes a big fear might be that you are doing it wrong. That you are grieving wrong.
So it’s helpful to be told that there’s no wrong way to grieve.
And, plus all the people that come up to you and start telling you how to grieve, when they’ve never walked a moment in your shoes, in the despair, sadness, and depth of pain that you are living with? It’s so frustrating when people think they have a right to tell you what to do and what not to do, and what’s best for you, when they just don’t get it. They don’t get how hard this is, and that you really are doing the best you can.
And- what if I say there is. There is a wrong way to grieve. What if I say, that I can’t come tell you what to do, or how to do it, or what you should or shouldn’t do, but that there are ways that will help you move through grief, and there are ways that will keep you stuck and cycling in your grief.
That some ways of grieving and coping with grief will give you a life you want, and some will just bring you down the path of destruction.
If you think there’s no wrong way to grieve, is it true that everyone in this world has dealt with their grief? Think of someone you might know, who gave up after something happened to them, and just simply existed the rest of their lives. Maybe they used things to numb the pain, that didn’t support them in living a full life. Can we blame them? Absolutely not. This pain is horrific. What I’m trying to get to, is that there are ways to grieve that I cannot and will not support as a positive way to cope.
Take drinking for example. Can we all agree that drinking away your pain is not helping you cope, or at least getting you anywhere closer to learning to live with it? Or drugs? Or overeating?
Ways of numbing your emotions can become addictions, and this endless cycle of not being able to process the pain, and needing to numb again, and as soon as the numbness wears off having to numb again because the pain is too much.
So, if you can grasp, that there are right and wrong ways to grieve, and it’s not exactly for me to tell you, but for you to decide for yourself. What is right for you? What is wrong for you? What feels right for what you need.
This might change as you grow and process your grief. For a time, being busy might be what you need to do. Then, as you realize in your own time that you need to slow down, you do that.
But- there are ways that keep you cycling and spinning, and ways of processing that move you forward, and not only forward but change in a way where you can carry grief and joy.
So- I know this is bold, but I would say that there is a wrong way to grieve. And I can’t tell you what’s right or wrong, but you know what’s right or wrong for you. And what i can offer, is that there are ways of being with grief that make it worse, and keep you stuck, and make your life more miserable, and there are ways of being that keep you moving forward, support you through the very difficult times, and help you become a better person because of what you’ve been through.
Let’s take an example where it’s not as extreme as drinking or drugs, but an example that’s maybe more common every day and it’s not a very negative impact in the way drinking or drugs would be.
So I recently shared on IG, by the way if you’re not following me on IG at cultivatedfamily come there and follow along, I share our travels in our bus, and many things about grief and loss as well. Anyways, I shared recently that I was overwhelmed, my whole body was full of emotion, noises were coming at me from every direction, mainly my kids crying, fighting, whining, things like that. My whole nervous system was on overload, and I was overwhelmed. As I noticed my chest exploding, and my throat closing up, and my reactions from these feelings in my body of yelling at my kids, and generally not acting like the mom I want to, I noticed that I just wanted to grab my phone and begin scrolling. I wanted to check out from my life. I wanted to disappear. I wanted to numb those feelings in my body. When I noticed this, here is what I did, I went outside, I sat on a chair by myself, took in a few deep breaths, and noticed the sensations in my body. I sat with them, I grounded myself, and guess what? After that, I was calmer, I was more able to be the mom I wanted to be, for the rest of the day.
When you learn to process the emotions, when you learn to be with the emotions instead of needing to numb them, whether it’s with food, or alcohol, or drugs, you are much better off, than just saying, there’s no wrong way to grieve. When you can make a conscious choice to face the emotions and process them, you get to make more choices in what pain and consequences you want to deal with in your future.
So what I shared, numbing by scrolling through your phone, or watching a screen, doesn’t really have the same types of consequences as drinking or drugs, but it’s still leading to numbing, and therefore resisting, and prolonging the sensations and emotions in your body. And it becomes a habit, and for me, shutting down and separating myself emotionally from my kids, is just as much harming my children as other things.
I know this is not easy y’all. Emotions are the hardest things to feel, and the drivers of our actions. Add in grief, sorrow, despair, depression, pain, and all the horrific emotions, it's so challenging.
But- are you with me? That there are ways of coping with grief that make your life better, your grief better, and there are ways that feel good for the moment, but make your life worse, and kick the can down the road.
I want to share an example of a mom I’m working with, who sent me a message,she says: “I have to share about my good day! After our call, I went for my daily swim..always rejuvenating for me. I felt so good mentally and physically. I feel that releasing the emotion of impatience relaxes me. Good days are so much “gooder” I thank you Megan, and I thank God for allowing these calm, productive days in my life. It is amazing work, and I am so grateful that this therapy is helping me turn struggles into contentment.”
If you continue to take a passive approach to your grief, and continue to numb, ignore, and hide from it, it will show up later in your life. I guess that’s a choice you can make too…now or later. Now when you have more choices, and less problems, or later when you have more problems and less choices.
Everything I do here is to help guide you and spurn you to take a more active role in your life and grief. To choose how you want to grieve and not just be the victim in your life.
You can do this. You can take another step forward, and grieving in the right way for you, listening to what is truly right for you, and not what is right in the moment because it’s easier, but what you know will help you long term, is the way forward.
I believe in you. I believe in you. I truly believe in your capacity to do this, even though you don’t believe it yourself. Choose the things that will help you the most, and go do those things. Even if they are more work. Get help, get a guide, it’s so much easier to have a guide helping you take the next step, to have a guide guiding you forward in the darkness, leading you, and helping you choose choices that will support you in the long term.
All my love, see you next week!
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