270: You Are Worth It

Why You Matter

If you’re a grieving mom who is struggling with feeling like you matter, like what’s the point of getting any help, or taking care of yourself, this episode is for you.

I was just at a camp with my church, and we talked a lot about mental health and motherhood, and in discussions with other moms, this kept coming up.

They weren’t getting the help they needed because they had a hard time spending the money on themselves.

Here’s what can happen: they believe that they aren’t worth it or that they are being taken away from their family if they spend money on their mental health. For some reason, I’ve had this same experience too. We feel like our mental health is not as important, maybe because it’s easier to keep thinking that it will get better soon or because you have a good day and then it’s like okay, it’s better, but those bad days keep coming back.

So then they are stuck in this cycle of not being the mom they want to be, not being the healthiest and best version of themselves that they could be, and then beating themselves up because they aren’t and can’t figure it out, and they must be stupid or weak, or something must be deeply broken inside of them.

And I get it. I used to have a hard time spending money on myself and my mental and emotional health, but I’ve since learned that if I’m going to spend any money on myself, the first place I want it to go is to take care of my mind and emotions. To be okay and to be the best mom I can be to my living children and the best wife I can be to my husband, even though my daughter died. It doesn’t mean it’s not okay to have days and emotions; this is all part of it.

Here’s why spending money to get help for your mental and emotional health matters.

Why are you worth it? Let me count the ways, my friend...

When you are better, the world is better. The whole world is made up of each of us human beings. Every single one of us has a place here and a purpose, and when you are taking care of yourself mentally and emotionally, it’s like a ripple effect that spreads.

And if you have other kids, you are their everything.

A friend recently shared about her dad, which I thought was so special and beautiful that I wanted to share it here. She said something to the effect that her dad died, and she thought that to the whole world, he didn’t make a huge impact. He didn’t do anything super special with his life or something like that, but to his kids, he was the whole world. And he was so loved and so special.

You are the whole world to your living children. All your children want is for their mother to be happy and love them.

I know after your child dies, it’s so hard, and you’re trying so incredibly hard. That’s why it is even more important to take care of your mental and emotional health and pay someone to help you because it’s very challenging to do it all on your own.

Your kids deserve to have a mom who is the best version of herself. Your kids deserve a mom who is present, loving, and not relying on her kids to support her instead of someone for whom it’s their job to do it.

Sometimes I hate this idea that, as mothers and wives, we truly have power over our household. I do believe that we are the gatekeepers; our energy guides the household. And sometimes I hate it because I don’t feel all that strong or amazing, and sometimes I just want to be the one to sit back and do nothing. But this is not a mother and wife's role. We are the gatekeepers. We are the emotional ones. We are the ones who, if we are crabby, somehow our kids are crabby.

When a mother is okay—not just pretending to be okay, but truly okay—it's felt in the whole house. The whole house feeds off of how the mother is doing.

And, it can be something you get angry about, or it can be something you take as a huge responsibility and an honor, and with this realization, see how much you matter, and if you’re struggling, how important it is for you to take care of yourself first, and from there, things spread out.

Something else that came up in talking with other moms that I wanted to share here is this idea that maybe one of your kids is struggling or acting out, or you are worried about your children. And maybe your first priority has been getting your kids’ help. Make sure your kids are receiving the help they need. But what if you took care of yourself first? You might be amazed at how much just that alone helps your kids.

Your mental and emotional health should be the first thing to take care of over anything else. What’s the point of having a big house if you’re deeply unhappy with it? What’s the point of going on these fancy and amazing vacations if you’re not present and anxious the whole time you’re on vacation? What’s the point of nice clothes for yourself or for your kids if the feelings in your house are depression, anxiety, and stress?

Insert anything that you can buy or spend money on; if you’ve been struggling deeply, none of those things will make you happier. Nothing outside of you can make you happier, feel better, or be better equipped to handle situations. Nothing.

In the end, your kids don’t care about any of those things; they would rather have a happy mom. And I ask you, if you could choose to be okay, to be happy, to be anxiety-free, to learn how to carry grief and joy together, to feel stable mentally and emotionally in your life, would you choose that, or all the other things?

Of course, I believe you can have both, but I just so often hear from struggling moms that they are not worth the money. They are taking away from their families if they spend money on their mental and emotional health, and my point of this whole podcast is that by spending money on your mental and emotional health and getting the help you need, you are not taking away from your family but giving so much to them.

Grief and all that comes with it—anxiety, depression, and trauma—all drain your energy. And so if you’re dealing with it, you know how it can be survival mode, just getting through the next few days. And there’s just nothing else but getting through the next moment. These can continue to drain your energy for days or weeks to come.

And when you invest in yourself and your mental and emotional health, when you take the time and have that accountability person who is there with you, you make way more progress than just piecing things together on your own.

Especially when you are in the thick of things and can’t see very far past the next moment, having someone who is not in the thick of it with you can be so powerful in moving forward.

I’ve often thought that when I have a problem and I’m stuck on A or B, thinking these are my only options, I wonder what option C is. What option am I not seeing? Often, when I talk with someone else who is not in my situation or who is able to see further than me because I’ve been stuck in a box looking at options A or B, option C is much clearer to them.

In the same way, when you are grieving and struggling with your mental and emotional health, it’s hard to see option C. So getting an outside perspective can change your whole perspective.

And lastly, because you are a human who is loved by God if you believe in God, or simply because you are a human and every human has infinite worth without having to do anything, you deserve to take care of yourself.

You are worth it, my friend. Just as you are. There is nothing you need to do to prove that you are. You just are. You are worth the care, the love, the money, the effort, the energy, and the time. And from there, the benefits just overflow when you take care of yourself.

So, let’s imagine a mother who is grieving but who believes taking care of her mental and emotional health is a top priority. She has no problem spending money and time on herself because she knows that the better she is, the better she can be for her living children. The better she is, the better she can be at being the wife she wants to be. The better she is, the better she is at being a friend, a daughter, or an employee. Insert whatever it is in your life that she does.

She knows that the very first part of it all is taking care of herself. She knows that everything in her life gets easier when she’s mentally and emotionally sound. Things are easier; she has more energy, she can feel the love for her kids, she can be connected to her husband, and she can put her energy where she wants to.

If you want to be well, my friend, it doesn’t just happen. It’s not that you aren’t trying hard enough, and it’s not that you are broken and there’s nothing that can be done to help you. Here’s my offer to you today, or an idea, if you will.

Find one area of your mental or emotional health that you’ve wanted to invest in help for. You've truly wanted to do it, but the only reason that’s stopping you is feeling like you are worthy of it. That you are important enough to spend that money on and go do it. And I do not mean to buy things that make you feel good, like clothes, getting a massage, or taking a day for yourself.

I’m referring to things that will have a lasting impact on your mental and emotional health. Things that teach you tools to cope, to process emotions, and where you can learn to be okay

I have things that can support you and assist you, like Grieving Moms Haven or 1:1 coaching for anxiety, but there are tons of other tools. Some ideas could be from other Rapid Resolution specialists. I would suggest therapy, but since I have watched so many sessions of RRT and facilitated so many sessions myself, I have a hard time suggesting anything other than RRT. I do sessions, but if you’d like to find someone else, go to the Rapid Resolution Therapy web page, where you can find a list of people who do sessions.

Other things you could do are buy a subscription to a workout platform, join a gym, buy some sort of app that helps you with meditation, buy a journal, invest in a coach or RRT specialist, or do anything that focuses on your mental or emotional well-being. Not to make you feel good in the moment, but to give you tools to function better every day in your life.

You are worth it, my friend. You are worth the time. You are worth the money. Your mental health is worth the money. Your emotional health is worth the money.

I get it because I’ve been there. It's hard to spend money on yourself but just do it. If you can’t do it for yourself yet, do it for the people in your life who love you: your kids, your husband, your family, and even your child who died. They would want you to be okay. They would want you to be able to function and to live even bigger because they no longer get here. Do it for them.

If you like this podcast and have found it helpful, I want to invite you to come check out Grieving Mom's Haven. This is my monthly community for grieving moms, where you can learn positive coping mechanisms. Find a safe space with others who understand and learn lifelong skills that support you as you learn how to carry this weight of grief in your life.

There are group coaching calls where we do guided meditations, tapping meditations, breath work, and just talk. Knowing that everyone in the group is also walking the path of child loss, you can come to check out Grieving Moms Haven at www.grievingmomshaven.com.