319: Memories- Do They Matter?
Welcome to the Joyful Mom Podcast!
I have some interesting thoughts to share today with you. And we are talking about memories.
So let’s talk about memories.
Have you ever heard of someone who doesn't remember something until they are older? And maybe they weren’t aware of it before, and now they are, and this memory suddenly causes so much pain to them in their life?
I actually had a client who had gone to do some somatic work, and through that work, the person guiding them through it was really pushing them that something specific must have happened to them when they were little that they didn’ to remember, and it ended up causing a lot of unsettledness.
I want to share some thoughts about memories, and how I view them, from what I’ve learned from many different things.
There’s a part in the book Waking the Tiger by Dr. Peter Levine, that talks about how this little girl's memory, she shared a story that did not make any sense at all. The way she shared the memory and how it was pieced together, made it impossible that that was how it all happened. Pieces of it could be true, and maybe all the pieces true, but the timeline and such didn’t make any sense.And something he talks about in this book, the memory itself doesn’t really matter, it’s what is remembered can be cleared, and it doesn’t really matter if it’s true or not.
I remember after Aria died, I became obsessed with the facts and the timeline. Like what actually happened when, and how my memory gets distorted. Then I realized, it doesn’t really matter what actually happened, it’s what I remember that’s affecting me and so dealing with that is the thing.
Memories can be very sticky, because probably most of you have memories that are traumatic, that you don’t want to remember, but maybe keep popping up in your mind. Maybe you have memories that when you think of them bring up a ton of emotion.
Now I’ve learned an even different perspective that is pretty life changing to me. This idea to create this episode came to the forefront because when I was talking with a mom about what working with me would look like, one concern she had was wondering if we would bring up any memories that she was not aware of. Because she didn’t want to remember anything that she currently couldn’t remember.
And I completely understand that. Why would you want to remember something if it was a horrible thing, if you currently don’t remember it or it doesn’t bother you today.
And while when I’m working with someone we don’t try to make you remember things that didn’t happen, sometimes we do a scanning for memories that are ready to be cleared of the energy to use that energy towards what we are working towards. And one thing I shared with this mom was that whether you remember the memory or not, if it’s there, it's like an energy drain in the background of your mind, draining energy from you, because the mind is reading that event as happening.
But with how I go about assisting you, you don’t have to go through and remember each memory or relive anything at all. Once you clear one memory, it automatically happens for other memories.
So memory is a very interesting thing. Because even if you remember something, it doesn’t mean it happened, or that it’s a fact. The mind can create memories or images of something that never happened. And now that’s not to say what you are remembering didn't happen, but this is very possible for this to happen.
And, either way, it doesn’t really matter, because if mind is reading it as a memory, and especially if it’s reading it as a traumatic experience, or a disturbing experience that still affects you today, it doesn’t really matter if it was real or imagined, because for mind it is reading it as if it was real and it really did happen.
So, regardless of whether it's true or not, it’s still beneficial to clear this stuck data within mind.
If you have siblings, you can find this to be so true, when you start to discuss memories from childhood, it’s so interesting how you can remember things very similar, but also so different. With my sister who I grew up with, there’s so many times I just don’t remember things the same as her, or things I thought happened that didn’t happen. It’s just so interesting how memory is.
So if we took a memory from childhood that was traumatic or disturbing, most people would tell you that we need to make tons of meaning about these memories, and if something happened or didn’t happen it matters a ton. And I get it. But I want to offer you a little bit of a different perspective, in a way that I believe makes this a lot lighter.
If you have a memory that’s a very difficult one, or traumatic one, I am not at all dismissing what you’ve been through and the magnitude of it. And most of the time, in order to heal it in traditional ways, you would have to go relive the memories, look at why that happened, and all the things. And this memory feels huge, daunting, and maybe like you will never be able to heal from it, or it will continue to affect you in a huge and negative way your whole life.
Now, I get that most of these memories are disturbing, traumatic, and bring a ton of pain.
Let’s think for a bit, that when information comes in, if this information is disturbing or painful, this information can get stuck and blown up. And so, this is where a memory gets stuck in mind, and it’s not fully processed and put into memory. It’s like it got bigger in the mind and as if it’s happening all the time.
Like a war veteran who reacts to the firework noise, the mind is reading that noise as something else and something else is happening, rather than what is actually happening. So if you’ve been experiencing this, you’re not going crazy, this is how the mind is supposed to do it, and you really couldn’t have done any differently up until now.
So one person could experience this situation and another person could experience the same situation and have two totally different experiences and outcomes. It’s just each person's mind is processing the data and information differently.
And so if we’re thinking about memories this way, that if a memory is difficult to talk about, or share, or think about, or something, then this would mean this memory is not fully processed through.
So, this image, word, sound, memory, gets stuck, and maybe convoluted, and misread, and it gets bigger. And so, here’s why what I do with the people I work with is so special. Because it doesn’t matter what the memory is. It could be something terrible. It could be something minor, but if we’re thinking of it as stuck data, and we can clear that data so it gets fully processed, so it can go into the memory bank and mind can fully understand and get it that it’s no longer happening, do you know what that gives you? Peace. It’s a place of being able to pull up the memory if you want, but it’s not constantly flashing through your mind. It’s where you can share your story or your experience without reliving the experience as if it’s happening again. Because it’s not happening again.
Here’s where I see this as a huge freedom and a beautiful thing. When we are looking at memories this way and through this perspective, it doesn’t matter what the thing is, because we are just thinking of it as data or information that got stuck in our mind.
It’s not “more difficult” and “more work” to process because it’s a memory we judge to be worthy of that level of trauma. Some people experience stuck memories from events other people do every day and would be shocked that someone else is experiencing so much turmoil over this experience. So it has nothing to do with the person and more to do with the data and the information that got stuck in the processor.
So whatever the data is, whether it’s a huge traumatic event or memory, or whether it’s another memory that has continued to affect you in your life, it’s the same thing, to clear the stuck data.
And here’s why I think of that as a relief. Because in most ways of thinking, the bigger trauma and deal, would take years of effort and work to clear and deal with it. And in this way of thinking, very simplistically , it’s just stuck data that can easily be cleared so the mind can read it as no longer happening anymore.
So, we’ve been talking about memories, and often we think of memories in the past. But when a memory isn’t put into the memory box and fully integrated into the past and processed, this means this memory is actually being read in mind as happening now- and this could mean it’s about to happen again, it’s happening again, or it just happened again. So technically these are not memories to mind, they are present happening events.
So when something is fully processed here’s what it looks like. It’s like remembering that you brushed your teeth this morning. But I can’t tell you right now to stop brushing your teeth this morning, because if you brushed your teeth this morning, you are no longer brushing your teeth right now. So you can recall a memory, and it doesn’t bring up much negative emotion at all, and maybe no emotion, you can just recall this thing happened, and you can very clearly see it’s not happening right now. It’s clear to you, and it’s clear to mind, that this event is no longer happening.
So there you have it, my perspective and thoughts on memory and reliving memories. I hope this was useful for you today. If you want to stop reliving horrific memories and get your mind to fully understand that those are in the past, and deal with anxiety that comes with that.
I have a free class that I am currently hosting where you will learn the secret to healing anxiety and trauma. If you really want some relief from the triggers and anxiety that are keeping you stuck, come join me. You can go to my website, www.meganhillukka.com and you will see the bright pink button there that will bring you to the page to join!
If you want to learn more about how you can clear anxiety more automatically by rewiring how the mind is working and processing things, go to my website www.meganhillukka.com where you can click on a link to register for my free training, where I will show you what you need in order to do this.
