Have you been busy all day, you exhaust yourself so that at night hopefully you can be so exhausted you just fall asleep without having to think about your dear child?
I get it. I’ve been there, there is absolutely no judgement from me.
But when does it end?
Is this kind of behavior sustainable?
Is this the way you want to keep living the rest of your life?
Where every single day the goal is to not stop because if you stop , you start to think or feel something painful. So, do you keep busy?
Keeping busy feels good, because it feels like you are doing something, when with grief there’s not much you can quote unquote do. There’s nothing you can change, and so keeping busy helps keep your mind off of what is going on.
And we get this advice all the time from well meaning people. “Just keep busy so you don’t have to think about it. Maybe you should get a job so you can keep busy.” I think this is some of the most damaging advice we can give to grievers and tell ourselves.
Keeping busy feels good, because it keeps you from thinking or feeling things that are painful. It’s scary to think that if you start to get depressed you will never come out of it. That if you start to feel something, you will be stuck in that forever. Yes, if you don’t have the tools and skills to move through it, it’s easy to get stuck, which is why I would encourage you to join me in Stop Talking Start Feeling, where you can begin to process and work through things in a slow way- you can go to www.meganhillukka.com/workshop to join there, or else make sure you have a guide who is walking alongside of you, who knows how to help you through this experience of pain, and the thoughts that come with grief.
Is this the way you want to keep living?
Understanding that this is a coping mechanism is hugely important, and might help you loosen some judgment you might have about yourself.
First start with- getting curious. Is this how I’m coping with my grief?
Is this a way I’m trying to manage all the thoughts and emotions that feel so overwhelming for me?
Remember, in order to let go of this coping mechanism, it’s important to begin to build tools and skills in another way, so that you can handle and process the emotions and thoughts that right now feel so scary. So you don’t need to do everything at once, and you don’t need to try to drink from a fire hose. Make little changes, and slowly you can begin to shift from keeping busy and running yourself ragged every day, to having skills and tools to process what’s going on inside.
What would your life look like if you didn’t need to run yourself into exhaustion every day?
What would your relationships look like?
What would you do with your life?
Some ways you can begin to shift from keeping busy, to connecting with your emotions:
Start to notice when a thought comes, or an emotion starts to come up, and you shove it down. You don’t have to do anything with it yet, but start to notice how often you do that, and what the thought or emotion is.
Start saying no more often. Your energy tank is already beyond empty. Grief empties your emotional tank and energy tank and the capacity you have to give to others right now. You may feel like you want to give, but you might be giving from a place of exhaustion, rather than a place of true service. I do not know, you have to look at your own self to know what’s true for you. But I would encourage you to be mindful of where you put your energy, and start seeing where you can cut back and begin to make more space in your life, so you can start to care for yourself and your grief.
Get curious with how you are acting in your life. Notice if you are keeping busy, and imagine watching yourself from above yourself as you go about your day. Watching how when something happens, that you immediately have to go clean, or when you get worked up, you keep busy in a certain way. Just get curious and start becoming aware of your patterns.
It’s so important to not bring judgement into the picture when you do this.
So often, when we become aware of our actions, emotions, or thoughts, we start to judge ourselves.
What’s wrong with me?
Why don't other moms think that way?
What kind of person does that?
But lead with curiosity, and let yourself be open to learning how you are doing things, because it is from that place that you can begin to change things.
When you put judgement on it, all you want to do is shove it back down and hide. Bring it out into the open, and get curious.
Are you someone who keeps busy?
Share in the Facebook group what you learned in this episode, and what small steps you are going to take today, slow down and begin to make time for your emotions, your thoughts, and your grief.
If you want more tools to help you, I have a workshop called Stop Talking Start Feeling, it’s a workshop that dives into emotions, what they are, and how you can begin to feel and process them and get them out of your body instead of stuffing them down. It also goes specifically into processing and releasing the emotions of guilt and sadness. You can get access to this workshop and all the extra things I have in there for only $27. Go to www.stoptalkingstartfeeling.com to check it out.
If you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community
Some links may contain affiliate links in which I receive a small commission if you decide to purchase something, this helps support the grief work I'm doing.
