145: Shame Cycle
Sometimes it’s hard to say things that need to be said, because I know the other person is going to go through the shame cycle. I guess I can’t completely know it, but I assume, because I know exactly what this feels like. I know exactly what it’s like to hear something, and immediately notice how I’m not doing those things in my life, and how bad of a mother I am and start beating myself up, and then I want to crawl into a deep dark hole and never come out.
If someone else is doing it a certain way, maybe I’m doing it the wrong way. Maybe I’m bad. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I need to do it differently.
I have been trying to decide what this episode exactly is about, because it’s kind of about how you talk to yourself, but also about shame cycles and spirals. It’s about how for example, I share about generational trauma, and how the trauma we may have in our lives does affect our children. How if we talk about how kids sense the anxiety you have, or how trauma can be passed down through the generations, and you can pass that down to your kids. Notice if you immediately go into a shame spiral. Judging yourself, judging what you are doing, judging everything you’ve ever done, hating yourself, hating that you are “harming” your children.
I want to help you stop doing this as much as possible. To notice something that can be not your best thing and not immediately go into a shame or judging spiral. But instead taking a beat and getting curious. I’ll share more about that later.
So here’s a description of the shame cycle form Pysch Central “Self-destructive behaviors often are an attempt to regulate overpowering, painful feelings but lead to more shame, propelling the self-destructive cycle. Secrecy, silence, and out-of-control behaviors fuel shame. Shame makes people want to hide and disappear, reinforcing shame.”
As humans, we want to connect, to know we are doing things correctly, and if we are doing something different than others, it’s easy to start to judge ourselves or shame ourselves. It’s amazing how quickly we can go from feeling connected, to feeling alone, and almost shrinking inside of ourselves.
I want to share a few stories about my own life, where this shame cycle was present, and how as I’ve become more aware of it, I might go through it, but I don’t stay in it. It’s pretty rare that I do. I also want to note how deep this shame runs, and how destructive it is on your life. How it can create horrific pain, depression, anxiety, and a cycle where you cannot seem to get off the hamster wheel.
So- one time on Instagram someone shared about how they are raising their child in spending hours doing breath work with them, up with their child all night helping calm her down and get back to bed by doing all these soft and loving things. I immediately went into a shame cycle. I was thinking in my mind that I would love it if I was more like that, but I’m not. I’m not very happy in the middle of the night. I have a hard time bringing myself to be all gentle and loving. I’m so darn tired I just want to sleep and everyone else around me to sleep. I was judging myself that I don’t spend enough time helping my kids process their emotions, doing breath work with them, and sitting with them as they work through tough things. How quickly, I noticed what I was doing wrong and latched on to that. Instead of knowing that’s not my strength and that’s okay. I can keep working on it, but I can also notice where I am showing up as I want to as a mother. I can notice that I do help my kids emotionally, it just looks different than the way she was doing it.
Another time
I was with family members over Father’s day, and for Justin and I, we always treat each other on Mothers or Father’s Day. The other person does nothing on their day. For us it’s a special day to show each other that we appreciate them being the father or mother of our children. That we love them, and that we want them to relax.
For the rest of the ladies in the group, they were discussing how they don’t really care about the day. How they don't do anything special and definitely aren’t doing everything that day. For them as a couple it doesn’t matter. And the thing is, we all get to do our own thing and in our own way, but as I was part of a bigger group where I was the only one who thought a certain way, I immediately started to feel so alone, even though I was with family and really good friends.
It showed me how quickly we can disconnect and feel separate when we aren’t able to agree and connect over something. This may be just a human instinct, but also, I noticed how I immediately started to wonder if the way I was doing it was wrong. Or if I should be doing it a different way. Thus, started the shame cycle. My throat gets tight, I want to disappear, I don’t want to talk about it anymore.
Another story: I was very self conscious about my eating, my weight, and food. And anytime someone said they were not eating different foods, it would trigger me to feel horrible about myself. This had nothing to do with them doing their own life, it was all about how I was thinking about myself. How I judged myself for not eating that way, for not being able to be that way, for not being skinny. I just immediately went into a shame spiral, and usually the shame spiral didn’t inspire me to eat better, or take better care of myself, it was full of judgment, shame, and horrific ways I talked to myself.
So what all this shame does, is it shoves the problem down deeper than taking it out and looking at it with compassion. When you shove it down, try to hide it, keep it secret, ignore it, it actually gets bigger and bigger and starts to weigh heavily on your life.
When you take it out, talk about it, look at it with compassion, that’s where you can actually make changes.
So, Brene Brown, one of the people I first learned about shame, judgment, and how harshly we talk to ourselves. Side note, my therapist told me to read the gifts of imperfection because of how horrible I was treating myself, and it was a game changer. Not only because that’s where I first learned about where if you numb the painful emotions, you are also numbing the joy. You cannot selectively numb your emotions, but also pay attention to the voice of shame and judgment that I have inside of my head.
So- back to Brene Brown, she has 3 steps to helping yourself through a shame spiral:
-talk to yourself the way you would to someone else. To your friend. To your child. Notice how much more empathy you have for others, but not for yourself.
-Reach out to someone you trust to share
-Share your story. It’s terrifying to share your story the first time, and maybe it’s just with one person, but from there, you might be more comfortable to share it, and when people share their stories, that’s when other people have courage to share theirs. To let others know they are not alone, and they don’t need to live in shame forever.
One other thing Brene says is, “Secrecy, silence and judgment: those are the three things shame needs to grow exponentially in our lives." The antidote to shame is Empathy. [Shame] cannot survive being spoken and being met with empathy.
So when you do want to work through and talk about this, find someone you trust to share it with.
And sometimes it’s just becoming aware of your shame cycle, and that this is something that happens to all of us, and it’s not because you are worse or horrible.
For me, underneath all of this shame cycle is noticing that my lens in which I look through the world is, I’m not enough. Everything I do is wrong, I can never do it right or good enough. I always mess up.
So starting from there, I began to have more compassion with myself. Beginning to allow myself to be exactly where I’m at, and meeting myself with compassion. Sometimes I’ve needed others to speak that into my life, and sometimes I’m able to do it for myself.
So- my prayer for you is that you can begin to notice these shame spirals, and know that they are optional. That you can choose to spin in it, or decide you don’t talk to yourself that way. Or if you need to, feel the emotion all the way through first.
If you like this podcast, and found it helpful, I want to invite you come check out Grieving Moms Haven, my monthly community for Grieving moms, where you can learn positive coping mechanisms, find a safe space with others who understand, and learn life long skills that support you as you learn how to carry this weight of grief in your life.
There are group coaching calls where we do guided meditations, tapping meditations, breathwork, and just talk, knowing that everyone in the group is also walking the path of child loss
You can come check out Grieving Moms Haven at www.grievingmomshaven.com
