Is there a correct way of grieving? This is the common question a grieving mother would ask. We often compare our grieving to other’s experiences.
In this episode, we are going to know if there is a correct way of handling grief.
Episode Pointers :
Each of us has our own path. We have different experiences and different relationships.
There is a strong narrative that we all grieve differently in the sense that anyone can grieve in whatever way and it’s correct, or it’s okay.
Grief is normal and it will come and go for the rest of your life. It seems like the questions come up when you have been doing fine, managing day to day, feeling like maybe you are doing okay with this whole grief thing, and all of sudden something triggers the tears and the pain.
Then you start to wonder, did I ever grieve at all? How come it’s so painful? Am I doing this correctly? Is it supposed to be like this? And yes- that will happen. That will happen for the rest of your life.
So when the waves come, let go of the judgment and the questions, it’s supposed to be there and it’s okay that it’s there. There is nothing wrong with the way you are grieving because a wave has come over you. Grief will come in waves for the rest of your life.
I like to share this image of a person called grief has come to walk beside you. Right away I fought this person called grief. They were invisible to everyone else but I was very aware of them every second of every day. I didn’t want grief to be there. I tried to ignore the person, I tried to run, but none of that worked. Then, I began to relax and be okay with the person there, and now, I’m very comfortable with grief being a part of my life. I walk with and carry grief and I will the rest of my life.
So- the thing I’ve learned more and more, is that in terms of the question am I doing this correctly?
This is personal to each person.
For example, One person needs more alone time, and one person needs to be around people more. One person needs to say no, and one person needs to reach out to people. One person will process grief through exercise, and one person will process it through writing.
So we each process our pain in different ways, but are you allowing yourself to grieve in the way you need to?
When I ask this question, usually people say no I am not. They say things like, no, but I have another child and I don’t know how to take time for myself, or my husband won’t let me, or nobody else understands, or I don’t have time, or I’m scared to.
You just aren’t letting yourself. The only person who will give you permission to grieve in the way you need to is you. So please don’t wait for others in your life to tell you how you should be grieving or stopping you from grieving in a way that supports you going forward in your life. If you ask yourself, you know what you need on your grief journey. If you pray, if you listen to your body, if you listen to what you need you will know.
Do you need boundaries? Do you need a set time every day to grieve? Do you need a break? Do you need to ask for help? Do you need to invest in a coach? Do you need to get quiet? Do you need a journal?
If you feel like you don’t know, can you try things out? Can you give yourself some space to see what feels right for you and what doesn’t? And then let go of judgment. Just because someone else loves writing, doesn’t mean that has to work for you. Just because someone else wants to talk all the time about their child, doesn’t mean that has to be for you.
If grief is my normal response to the death of my child, and it’s okay to grieve and actually I need to grieve, I need to hold space for it, otherwise, I will suffer and get sick, and live in a deep state of darkness for many many years, how do I want to grieve?
Am I grieving in a way that supports me moving forward in my life?
Am I holding space for grief in a way that feels correct for me?
Am I hurting myself, or supporting myself?
Am I using healthy supportive tools on my journey, or am I going down a path that is terrifying me?
Am I numbing, distracting, stuffing emotions, or am I allowing myself to feel my grief and pain?
Your grief is your own and no one is going to do the work for you. No one else can grieve your grief or feel your pain. So this is your journey to walk and decide how you want to forward.
Each of us who has said goodbye to our child or baby is walking with the most intense pain, and we each get to decide how to go forward. You didn’t get a choice in your child dying but you do get a choice in how you move forward in your life and how you grieve.
So- are you grieving correctly? That's up to you to decide after you ask yourself all those types of questions.
Grief is normal, and you get to decide how you want to ride the waves of it.
If you want to apply for a spot for 1:1 Grief Coaching, go to www.meganhillukka.com/griefcoaching
If you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community
