“If you have other children, how are your anxiety or stress levels about them?”
And the overwhelming response was- horrible, over the top, very high, through the roof.
In this episode, I wanted to discuss this and offer a maybe different perspective on this.
Episode Pointers:
Please don’t let yourself do the shame cycle.
- Shame does nothing in helping you, all it does is keep you cycling exactly where you are at.
After Aria died, I was also diagnosed with PTSD. I was so so anxious. I couldn’t relax in the evening, I remember sitting on my chair in the living room while my kids were sleeping, and I would be a tense ball of stress.
Will I ever know what relaxation means again?
I never relaxed, because I had to go check on my kids every 10 minutes, I would literally check my watch and every 10 minutes, go make sure everyone was fine. I actually could never relax unless I was completely away from my kids, but even then, I wondered if the person watching them was watching them close enough. So- basically I didn’t relax.
I don’t WANT to live with anxiety. I don’t WANT to feel this way. I just do, and I can’t do anything about it. I hate it, I don’t want it, and I wish others would just understand.
So- I want you to know that I understand how uncontrollable it feels. I want you to know that once I was in a place of extreme anxiety and couldn’t see a way out.
I was watching our kids play outside with 2 friends, and they were playing with a rope. All I saw in my mind was every single way that rope was going to kill those kids. So I asked the other moms I was with, does the rope make you anxious? Or is it just my anxiety on high alert?
They were not worried about it, and now in the state, I am in, I would not be either, but when you are in such a state of fear and worry, everything has the possibility of ending your children’s, your husbands, your friends, other people's children's lives.
I’ve heard from many moms, who have raised their other children already, that the fear and worry they had stressed their relationship with their other children. That the anxiety and fear related to them not wanting another child to die, caused a separation in the relationship, which is far from what you want as a mom. I know this. I also know you are exhausted, and doing everything you can do to survive. So it’s hard, but these things happen too.
This is a comment from the post specifically:
I had debilitating and mentally exhausting anxiety and fear surrounding my daughter after my son died. Because I didn’t know that it’s so common and a real emotion brought on by trauma and loss, the fears and no idea I could manage these, controlled my existence making me sick and as a mom. A happy and thriving 17-year-old young lady was grieving herself and no longer recognized her mum at all. Aside from the sadness, anger, and isolation, the fears caused chaos and lasting negative effects and hardships between my daughter and me to this day
I’ve also talked with children of grieving mothers, even the grandchild of grieving mothers who have been deeply affected by their mother’s anxiety and fear and it has caused resentment in their life and they have not felt as connected to their mother because of it.
Kids can tell when you are anxious even if you try to hide it, and so then since you don’t say anything, the child makes it about them. What did they do wrong? What did they do wrong that is making you so anxious? Then they start to get worried and anxious because they are picking up on your anxiety.
I know, you are already just trying to survive, and trying to do everything to keep your family together, and doing everything you can to not make your world continue to fall apart around you. I get it. And so I’m trying to stress the absolute importance of getting help for yourself. This is absolutely critical. Not only for your well being but for your children’s well being. You don’t have to just keep trying to survive every day, you can get the help, support, and tools to lessen the anxiety and hold space for it, so it doesn't’ control your life.
I want to remind you again- that curiosity, gentleness, love, and compassion for yourself are some of your best tools.
There is nothing wrong with the anxiety you feel. I know- here I talk about all the bad things about anxiety and you wonder how you can get rid of it, but it doesn’t work that way. Relax into the anxiety, and stop judging it. Don’t try to get rid of it, and just let yourself learn to sit in the energy of anxiety without needing to do anything.
Often, asking someone who doesn’t have the same debilitating anxiety as you can be helpful, but only if you have been able to be okay with just sitting in the anxiety and not trying to change it or having to follow through with what your anxiety is trying to make you do.
You can tell yourself that this is what your brain does. Your brain is giving you the worst-case scenarios because it’s trying to protect you. This doesn’t mean they are going to happen or are happening. This is just your brain.
You are not your thoughts. You are not your anxiety.
I wanted to highlight how crucial it is for you to get help for yourself. Because the anxiety you feel not only affects you but everyone else around you.
If your anxiety is so debilitating you can’t do anything to even begin getting help and learning the tools to navigate it, I want to encourage you to go see your doctor and see if medication would be a good step for you. It’s so important to use all the tools that are available to you. Go get the medication if you need it, then dive deep into doing the deep work of calming your body down, learning tools to manage anxiety, and manage your mind.
You have more control over your anxiety than you think.
Registration for Relief in Grief is now open! It’s my 3-day workshop diving into all things grief and child loss. If you are ready to begin picking up the pieces of your shattered heart, and learn how to hold space for grief and joy, come join me and the other moms in this 3-day workshop. It’s going to be amazing and you don’t want to miss it! Go to www.reliefingriefsupportgroup.com to register!
If you want to apply for a spot for 1:1 Grief Coaching, go to www.meganhillukka.com/griefcoaching
If you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community
