This episode is more speaking to those around you to learn about grief and how they can help and support you on your grief journey.
Episode Pointers:
I often think that our brains are trying so hard to comprehend our loss, that there is no extra room for all the things that used to be easy in the past. It’s hard to keep up on bills, it’s hard to remember anything, it’s hard to keep track of anything, it’s a major feat to get the energy to clean the house. You can help so much by doing physical things for them. It’s always a good idea to check in and see if this would be helpful for them.
Remember that something you think is helpful might not be helpful for them, so communication is very important. By communicating with them, and also offering tangible ways of helping, you are letting them know you are serious about helping.
So many times people say, “Let me know if you need any help.” This is not helpful.
First, a grieving person doesn’t really even have the capacity to think about and know of what ways could be helpful.
Second, they are in such a vulnerable place they don’t know how to reach out and ask for help when they need it.
When you offer ideas of ways you can happily help, it’s a win for them and a win for you.
It’s so easy to post on Facebook or a group chat, “Sending prayers for you and your family”, then mentally check that box and move on. I want to encourage you that if you think of them throughout your day, or if you are remembering them in prayer especially many months or years down the road, that you send them a text letting them know.
They do not know you are thinking of them, and many times grief can feel so lonely. Those messages of remembrance and love can really mean a lot.
Physical Ways You Can Help:
Clean their house (Check with them first, there could be something left of their child’s that they do not want cleaned up or the memories wiped away).
Do grocery shopping.
Set up a meal train.
Set up babysitting for therapy, time together as husband and wife, time to go to the cemetery, time to be alone so they can grieve, for whatever they need.
Sit with them.
Include them in get togethers, even if they don’t come. (Don’t be offended. They might not be ready.)
Bring supper over, or meals for the freezer.
Check in often with how they are doing.
Help financially with medical, or funeral costs. (Remember this can be very difficult for them to take because their child means more than any amount of money, and this money can feel horrible to get. I still believe it’s a good thing to send with no judgment of what they do with it.)
As a part of your friend’s support system, it could be easy to get offended by what your friend does. Your friend might not appreciate the things you are bending over backwards trying to do for them, or they might not be able to express their thanks. But remember, your friend is in such a fragile time right now. They are shattered, emotionally fragile, and very vulnerable.
When there are those kinds of moments, try to remember to have empathy and compassion for them. They are being stretched and changed in ways they didn’t want, and so they might not act like themselves.
It’s the same compassion I hope your friend will have for you if you mess up, or do something that was not helpful for them. Please don’t take it personally if the things you offer or do to help are not well received. When you take offense, you are making their grief about yourself and this doesn’t help them. Of course, offer ideas of things you are able to help with, but if that’s not what they want, please don’t make things worse for them by expressing your annoyance that they don’t need that specific kind of help.
IT’S OKAY TO CRY. Crying is a normal and natural release of emotion, and your friend probably has done a lot of crying. It’s not a bad thing. Society has taught us that crying is a weakness. It’s easy to get scared or want to run away from those emotions.
When your friend cries in front of you, realize that you have the great honor of sitting with your friend in their pain.
If they are comfortable crying with you, you have a special relationship that allows room for that. You are blessed. Those tears are coming for a reason, and it’s okay to embrace that. Remember, with these tears -- and in general when going to be with your friend -- that you don’t need to try to fix anything, or to make anything better. When they cry, it doesn’t mean you have to try to make them stop crying.
Your instinct might be to fill up the silence with words and change the mood of the moment. But remember this SILENCE IS OKAY. You do not need to fill every void or gap. This comes from a place of insecurity in yourself. You feel you need to say or do something to fix the situation and not make it so awkward. But many times, as the bereaved, we just need to know that we have the support and love from someone. We need to know that they love us enough to sit in silence and not need to fill the gaps.
Silence is super powerful in grief. Next time you feel the need to say or do something because your friend is crying, remember it’s okay to just be with them as well, and allow space for them to talk if they need.
IT’S OKAY TO LAUGH. When you see your friend smile and laugh, it’s okay that they are laughing. Laughter is a great relief from grief if it comes, but I can tell you the laughter is a different laughter than before. This laughter and smiles are tinged with grief and pain. The smile that you see does not show the depth of pain they are feeling, and the constant thoughts about their child.
I would love to offer you my workshop called STOP TALKING, START FEELING in which it gives you tools to understand your emotions and your thoughts, along with guided meditations, and ways to process specifically the emotions of guilt and sadness that come with grief.
If you are interested in joining this workshop it’s only $27, and you can get it by going to www.stoptalkingstartfeeling.com
If you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group:www.meganhillukka.com/community
