Experiencing trauma or PTSD while grieving is so challenging. The pain is doubled. You need to deal both of these intense feelings. But how?
In this episode, we are going to talk about dealing with trauma while grieving. No matter how many wishes or prayers we need to do, it won’t go away without doing the right actions.
Episode Pointers:
After my daughter Aria died, I was diagnosed with PTSD. I had trauma from finding her after she died. For me, getting this diagnosis was helpful, in understanding what was going on with me. That I there wasn’t anything “wrong” with me in a way that can’t be helped, but that now I know why I’m acting the way I am, I can put a name to it, now let’s figure out how to get better.
Grief is something that lasts a lifetime. Grief is something we learn to carry, it becomes a part of who you are. But trauma is something that can be healed. It’s something that you don’t need to live with forever.
Having flashbacks? Nightmares? Anxiety attacks? Anger outbursts? Inability to connect with loved ones? Always feel the need to be on guard? Scary easily? Avoid things that trigger you? The trauma repeats itself over and over again? And you’re just waiting for it to happen again, you believe it is happening again?
This is trauma. Trauma is not something you can just wish away. It’s not something you can pray away. It’s not something you can just pray to God to help you through it.
Trauma to your brain is invisible to others. Other people cannot see it. Yet- it’s very real and it absolutely will destroy every part of your life.
When I was in my state of trauma, I could not live. I told people this was not a way to live. I had a stress ball in my chest that was slowly killing me. I couldn’t connect with my husband. I could never relax. I lived in terror every moment of every day. I had to take a combination of melatonin, Tylenol pm to sleep at night. I was a wreck. Yet, it was trauma in my mind that made me that way.
Most of you know that my 15 month old daughter died in her sleep, but if you’re new here, that’s my story, and 4 weeks after she died, our next baby girl was born. So sleep became a huge issue for me. Someone had told me that they would put their baby down to bed, and make sure they were safe, and then they would put her in God’s hands. They would say okay, now God it’s up to you. I tried that.
I would put my daughter to sleep, and make sure she was as safe as I could make her, and then give it to God. But less than 5 minutes later I would pop up in an absolute panic, shaking her, my heart pounding, believing that she had died. This was my life. No prayers, thoughts can make it better.
Get the help you need for trauma. This is not a way to live, and just pushing through every day will not make it better. You have to heal the trauma and help your body come out of a fight or flight state. Your body needs to know it’s safe and it’s okay to file that memory in the past. Trauma is not something to mess around with, or just push for another day. It truly matters, and it affects every portion of your life.
Some ideas to help with trauma:
EMDR ( Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)
Emotional Freedom Technique
Somatic Experiencing
Books related to Trauma :
4.1. The Body Keeps the Score by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk
4.2. Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma by Dr. Peter Levine
4.3. Healing Trauma by Dr. Peter Levine
One specific thing I learned from one of Dr. Peter Levine's books was this way of thinking of trauma. An animal in the wild, when it gets chased by a predator, and then gets away, all animals do this, they shake. They shake and shake afterward. This is the way they process the energy, adrenaline, and help their bodies get out of fight or flight mode back into “I’m safe” mode.
When you have trauma, you are stuck in the fight or flight mode, and cannot get into an “I’m safe” mode, no matter how hard to try or want to be. You have to process and release that trapped energy of the trauma response within your body similar to what an animal does in the wild, for your body to know that it’s safe.
In order to feel safe to grieve, you have to finish the trauma cycle. Don’t put it off. Don’t try to wish it away, because trauma actually doesn’t go away on its own, and it can actually get more intense because you can get re-traumatized each time you relive it. So- get the help. You don’t need to do this alone and you don’t need to keep suffering.
If you want some extra guidance with grief, and to get access to some Emotional Freedom Technique (Tappings) that I have, I have a workshop called Stop Talking, Start Feeling, where it will help you begin to connect with your body, the emotions within, and begin to release the energy of emotions that are stuck in your body. This workshop specifically goes into the emotions of guilt and sadness, with so many other things. If you are interested in joining this workshop it’s only $27, and you can get it by going to www.stoptalkingstartfeeling.com
If you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community
You can go here to find a therapist who is trained in Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). This therapy was amazingly helpful for me with PTSD and lowering my symptoms to a livable level.
Some links may contain affiliate links in which I receive a small commission if you decide to purchase something, this helps support the grief work I'm doing.
