77: Does his ever get better?

“Does it ever get better?”

“Please tell me it gets better.” “I can’t keep living this way.” 

Have you also asked the same question? Are you feeling the same way?

Let’s talk more about these questions in this episode.

Episode Pointers :

• Someone else’s experience doesn’t mean it has to be yours. 

• I remember feeling this way, and I remember wondering if I would ever have joy again.

           Is it even possible for me to feel that deep true joy that I felt before Aria died?

Would I just be empty the rest of my life?

I wanted to hear from other moms. I wanted to know that it could get better. I had to know that it could change so that I could know I wouldn’t be living this way for the rest of my life.

• I’m forever grateful to the mom who did tell me. You will feel joy again. It’s possible, it will be different, it’s a different kind of joy, but it can still be deep, full, absolute joy.

To know it was possible, and then continue to be okay with being right where I was in the muck. In the hole of grief. But to see that shining light ahead of me to know that the grief work was worth it. Processing grief was worth it and it will bring me a reward.

• So- to you wondering if it will ever get better? I can absolutely say yes. Yes, it can get better. Yes, it can change. Yes, you can learn to live again. Maybe not right now, maybe not yet for you, but it’s absolutely possible.

• You cannot learn to hold grief and joy, without first holding space for grief. Not a wallowing in grief, but processing of grief. Wallowing in grief only keeps you cycling and stuck, processing grief allows you to flow in and out of the emotions that come. Processing gives you the permission to deeply feel the pain, agony, grief, sadness, guilt, anger, frustration, depression whatever it is that’s coming up for you, and then coming to an ending of it.

It’s intentional. You have to decide that you are allowed to grieve. You have to decide that you are worth the work. You have to decide that you want to learn to live again, so you are going to sit in the muck and do the work.

• Time can take a bit of an edge off the pain, but time truly does nothing. It’s what you do with the time that counts.

• Time does nothing. You do not have to suffer your whole life. You really don’t. You can learn to live with this. While I know you didn’t choose for your child to die. I know you didn’t deserve it. I know you don’t want to live this way. Each of us gets a choice in how we move forward. In how we pick up the pieces of our broken heart. 

It’s work, it's rebuilding, it’s effort, its’ energy, it’s intention. It will not just happen by itself.

• Will it ever get better? And again, I say absolutely it can. Absolutely you can learn to carry your grief and never forget your child, absolutely you can hold space for grief and joy, and look with hope and excitement to your future, but not if you’re not willing to do the deep work. Not if you’re trying to numb it away, not if you're not willing to try new things or get the help you need. Nothing changes if nothing changes friend.

So yes- it can get better and I believe in you. As I always say, I’m holding on to hope for you, until you are ready to hold it for yourself.

My 3-day workshop Relief in Grief is open for registration and it’s going to be amazing. If you want to begin taking steps to pick up all the pieces of your shattered heart, holding space for them, and gently putting them back together, come join us. This is a safe space where your grief is heard and seen, where your mind can be absolutely blown by the shifts that can happen in your grief. Literally, I’ve had people who their whole grief journeys have shifted just in these few days together. Where they were suffering so much, and now they are able to live again.

If you want things to get better, it takes action, work, and intention. So join me next week, on the 13th, 14th, and 15th for Relief in Grief. You can go to www.reliefingriefsupportgroup.com to register and save your spot!

If you want to apply for a spot for 1:1 Grief Coaching, go to www.meganhillukka.com/griefcoaching

If you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group:www.meganhillukka.com/community

76: Anxiety With Your Other Kids

“If you have other children, how are your anxiety or stress levels about them?”

And the overwhelming response was- horrible, over the top, very high, through the roof.

In this episode, I wanted to discuss this and offer a maybe different perspective on this.

Episode Pointers:

• Please don’t let yourself do the shame cycle.

                 - Shame does nothing in helping you, all it does is keep you cycling exactly where you are at.

• After Aria died, I was also diagnosed with PTSD. I was so so anxious. I couldn’t relax in the evening, I remember sitting on my chair in the living room while my kids were sleeping, and I would be a tense ball of stress.

Will I ever know what relaxation means again? 

I never relaxed, because I had to go check on my kids every 10 minutes, I would literally check my watch and every 10 minutes, go make sure everyone was fine.  I actually could never relax unless I was completely away from my kids, but even then, I wondered if the person watching them was watching them close enough. So- basically I didn’t relax.

•  I don’t WANT to live with anxiety. I don’t WANT to feel this way. I just do, and I can’t do anything about it. I hate it, I don’t want it, and I wish others would just understand.

So- I want you to know that I understand how uncontrollable it feels. I want you to know that once I was in a place of extreme anxiety and couldn’t see a way out. 

• I was watching our kids play outside with 2 friends, and they were playing with a rope. All I saw in my mind was every single way that rope was going to kill those kids. So I asked the other moms I was with, does the rope make you anxious? Or is it just my anxiety on high alert? 

They were not worried about it, and now in the state, I am in, I would not be either, but when you are in such a state of fear and worry, everything has the possibility of ending your children’s, your husbands, your friends, other people's children's lives.

• I’ve heard from many moms, who have raised their other children already, that the fear and worry they had stressed their relationship with their other children. That the anxiety and fear related to them not wanting another child to die, caused a separation in the relationship, which is far from what you want as a mom. I know this. I also know you are exhausted, and doing everything you can do to survive. So it’s hard, but these things happen too.

This is a comment from the post specifically:

I had debilitating and mentally exhausting anxiety and fear surrounding my daughter after my son died. Because I didn’t know that it’s so common and a real emotion brought on by trauma and loss, the fears and no idea I could manage these, controlled my existence making me sick and as a mom. A happy and thriving 17-year-old young lady was grieving herself and no longer recognized her mum at all. Aside from the sadness, anger, and isolation, the fears caused chaos and lasting negative effects and hardships between my daughter and me to this day

• I’ve also talked with children of grieving mothers, even the grandchild of grieving mothers who have been deeply affected by their mother’s anxiety and fear and it has caused resentment in their life and they have not felt as connected to their mother because of it.

•  Kids can tell when you are anxious even if you try to hide it, and so then since you don’t say anything, the child makes it about them. What did they do wrong? What did they do wrong that is making you so anxious? Then they start to get worried and anxious because they are picking up on your anxiety.

• I know, you are already just trying to survive, and trying to do everything to keep your family together, and doing everything you can to not make your world continue to fall apart around you. I get it. And so I’m trying to stress the absolute importance of getting help for yourself. This is absolutely critical. Not only for your well being but for your children’s well being. You don’t have to just keep trying to survive every day, you can get the help, support, and tools to lessen the anxiety and hold space for it, so it doesn't’ control your life.

I want to remind you again- that curiosity, gentleness, love, and compassion for yourself are some of your best tools.

• There is nothing wrong with the anxiety you feel. I know- here I talk about all the bad things about anxiety and you wonder how you can get rid of it, but it doesn’t work that way. Relax into the anxiety, and stop judging it. Don’t try to get rid of it, and just let yourself learn to sit in the energy of anxiety without needing to do anything.

•  Often, asking someone who doesn’t have the same debilitating anxiety as you can be helpful, but only if you have been able to be okay with just sitting in the anxiety and not trying to change it or having to follow through with what your anxiety is trying to make you do.

• You can tell yourself that this is what your brain does. Your brain is giving you the worst-case scenarios because it’s trying to protect you. This doesn’t mean they are going to happen or are happening. This is just your brain. 

You are not your thoughts. You are not your anxiety. 

• I wanted to highlight how crucial it is for you to get help for yourself. Because the anxiety you feel not only affects you but everyone else around you. 

• If your anxiety is so debilitating you can’t do anything to even begin getting help and learning the tools to navigate it, I want to encourage you to go see your doctor and see if medication would be a good step for you. It’s so important to use all the tools that are available to you. Go get the medication if you need it, then dive deep into doing the deep work of calming your body down, learning tools to manage anxiety, and manage your mind.

 You have more control over your anxiety than you think. 

Registration for Relief in Grief is now open! It’s my 3-day workshop diving into all things grief and child loss. If you are ready to begin picking up the pieces of your shattered heart, and learn how to hold space for grief and joy, come join me and the other moms in this 3-day workshop. It’s going to be amazing and you don’t want to miss it! Go to www.reliefingriefsupportgroup.com to register!

If you want to apply for a spot for 1:1 Grief Coaching, go to www.meganhillukka.com/griefcoaching

If you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community

75: How Do I Know if I'm Grieving Correctly?

Is there a correct way of grieving? This is the common question a grieving mother would ask. We often compare our grieving to other’s experiences.

In this episode, we are going to know if there is a correct way of handling grief.

Episode Pointers :

• Each of us has our own path. We have different experiences and different relationships.

• There is a strong narrative that we all grieve differently in the sense that anyone can grieve in whatever way and it’s correct, or it’s okay.

• Grief is normal and it will come and go for the rest of your life. It seems like the questions come up when you have been doing fine, managing day to day, feeling like maybe you are doing okay with this whole grief thing, and all of sudden something triggers the tears and the pain. 

• Then you start to wonder, did I ever grieve at all? How come it’s so painful? Am I doing this correctly? Is it supposed to be like this? And yes- that will happen. That will happen for the rest of your life. 

• So when the waves come, let go of the judgment and the questions, it’s supposed to be there and it’s okay that it’s there. There is nothing wrong with the way you are grieving because a wave has come over you. Grief will come in waves for the rest of your life.

• I like to share this image of a person called grief has come to walk beside you. Right away I fought this person called grief. They were invisible to everyone else but I was very aware of them every second of every day. I didn’t want grief to be there. I tried to ignore the person, I tried to run, but none of that worked. Then, I began to relax and be okay with the person there, and now, I’m very comfortable with grief being a part of my life. I walk with and carry grief and I will the rest of my life. 

So- the thing I’ve learned more and more, is that in terms of the question am I doing this correctly?

• This is personal to each person. 

For example, One person needs more alone time, and one person needs to be around people more. One person needs to say no, and one person needs to reach out to people. One person will process grief through exercise, and one person will process it through writing. 

• So we each process our pain in different ways, but are you allowing yourself to grieve in the way you need to?
  
  When I ask this question, usually people say no I am not. They say things like, no, but I have another child and I don’t know how to take time for myself, or my husband won’t let me, or nobody else understands, or I don’t have time, or I’m scared to.

•  You just aren’t letting yourself. The only person who will give you permission to grieve in the way you need to is you. So please don’t wait for others in your life to tell you how you should be grieving or stopping you from grieving in a way that supports you going forward in your life. If you ask yourself, you know what you need on your grief journey. If you pray, if you listen to your body, if you listen to what you need you will know.

Do you need boundaries? Do you need a set time every day to grieve? Do you need a break? Do you need to ask for help? Do you need to invest in a coach? Do you need to get quiet? Do you need a journal?

• If you feel like you don’t know, can you try things out? Can you give yourself some space to see what feels right for you and what doesn’t? And then let go of judgment. Just because someone else loves writing, doesn’t mean that has to work for you. Just because someone else wants to talk all the time about their child, doesn’t mean that has to be for you.

• If grief is my normal response to the death of my child, and it’s okay to grieve and actually I need to grieve, I need to hold space for it, otherwise, I will suffer and get sick, and live in a deep state of darkness for many many years, how do I want to grieve?

Am I grieving in a way that supports me moving forward in my life?

Am I holding space for grief in a way that feels correct for me?

Am I hurting myself, or supporting myself?

Am I using healthy supportive tools on my journey, or am I going down a path that is terrifying me?

Am I numbing, distracting, stuffing emotions, or am I allowing myself to feel my grief and pain?

• Your grief is your own and no one is going to do the work for you. No one else can grieve your grief or feel your pain. So this is your journey to walk and decide how you want to forward.

• Each of us who has said goodbye to our child or baby is walking with the most intense pain, and we each get to decide how to go forward. You didn’t get a choice in your child dying but you do get a choice in how you move forward in your life and how you grieve.

So- are you grieving correctly? That's up to you to decide after you ask yourself all those types of questions.

 Grief is normal, and you get to decide how you want to ride the waves of it.

If you want to apply for a spot for 1:1 Grief Coaching, go to www.meganhillukka.com/griefcoaching

If you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community

74 : What is the Difference Between Therapy and Coaching?

Both Therapy and coaching are very essential in our grieving journey. So, how do they differ and how  can they help us in dealing with child loss?

In this episode, we are going to know their importance, difference , and how they affect us in healing and moving forward.

Episode Pointers:

• Most therapists are a place for you to go and talk, to get out the stuff that's coming up inside, to get the words out of your mind. And that feeling is amazing when you are walking with grief and you just need a space to go over your experience.

• If a therapist doesn’t understand grief, they are not the right therapist for you specifically for losing a child. Truly, not everyone is a good fit for everyone. It’s a human to human relationship and sometimes you just don’t click with someone.

• Therapy also tends to focus only on top down processing. This is where you talk only, and don’t get into the sensations of feelings in your body. 

• Therapy is an amazing resource, but something can easily happen. That you begin to develop a dependency relationship of sorts with your therapist. That you need to go to therapy for years and years.

• It doesn’t mean you shouldn't’ ever talk about your experience, but there is a difference in cycling and suffering over and over again, and processing and learning to carry your grief.

• This is why I believe coaching is so powerful. While therapy can easily become a place you continue on for years and years and rehash the past over and over again. Coaching is for someone who wants to learn tools to move forward. Not to get out of the past, but to honor their experiences, honor their child, remember them, never forget and carry them forward with them in their life. 

As a coach, I want my clients to learn the tools to be able to not need me. That is my goal, that my clients’ lives would be so deeply changed, that they would not need me for grief coaching anymore.

• There is this difference. Some therapists do give tools to move forward, to process emotions, a lot of them are a sounding board, a place to talk, a place to vent, a place to get everything out.

• And with coaching, I combine both the talking, but not just talking, not just venting, but when you talk, then we dive deeper. As a coach, I help guide you through experiencing emotion and learning to sit with emotion. 

"I like the different tools you have to offer, and you always come prepared. You always know what to say, even if it's uncomfortable. I feel like you are open and listen. This work is an uncomfortable thing, and you make it more comfortable."

• That there is nothing wrong with you for feeling depression. Sadness. Anger. Anxiety. Fear. These are all emotions that come with grief, but we don’t have to just leave it at that. . Sit with it. Feel it. Truly experience it until the energy of the emotion flows out. Then- you can begin to look at behind it, what are the thoughts that were bringing up that emotion? Do I want to keep them and keep going in this cycle or not? What do I want to do?
  
  So- this is how coaching goes deeper than just talking about it. 

• Grief is not a mental illness. There is nothing wrong with you. You are experiencing a normal response to loss, that yes, can lead to very negative paths if not supported, but in the end it’s still grief, and there is a way to process it.

The biggest thing I would offer to you as you look in your own life, is the person, whether a therapist or a coach you are working with helping you. Do you feel connected to them? Do you feel hope every time you leave?

•  The two biggest things to notice, is do you feel connected to the person you are working with? And at the end of your sessions do you have hope? 

That is the feeling I try to leave my clients with, every time we end a call. The way I end the session is important, and usually they are in a state of calm and peace.

And then- the honest truth is this. What do you want? Do you want to learn how to move forward and build a beautiful life after such a devastating experience, all while holding your child and experience as part of your life, or do you want to stay exactly where you are, even feeling like you are going backwards? This is all up to you. You get to decide. And only you. You get to make the choice.

If you want to apply for a spot for 1:1 Grief Coaching, go to www.meganhillukka.com/griefcoaching

If you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community

73 : A Father’s Perspective

In today’s episode, I have a very special guest who I hold closely to my heart, my dear husband, Justin.

He is going to share with us how he dealt with grief, express it, and how he held our family together during the darkest part of our lives.

Episode pointers:

• We grieve differently. It depends on every individual’s personality.

• It’s easier for a mom to go to another mom to share her grief journey. 

• We often think that husbands are strong enough to handle the grief on their own. They need support, too!

• It’s okay to talk to a grieving dad and bring up the experience.

•  It is really special to have that support from other people.

•  It was really hard to connect and to be on the same page.

• Child loss can put your marriage into a test. It gives anxiety in the relationship. Try to connect to each other and work on your relationship as well.

• Your therapy should be about your grief and not how to support your wife. You are grieving as well. Take care of yourself first.

• If you can cry and express your emotions you feel a lot better afterwards.

• Crying is to show your love to someone who is going through a similar type of grief journey.

Tips for wives to understand their grieving husband:

• Give him his grieving space, give him time to address that and try to talk about it.

• If he is acting differently ,frustrated,has anger ,and  shortness in temper,it may mean that he is  struggling with grief.

• Try to give more space and understanding.

Both of you love your child. Both of you miss her/him them so much but 

the way it’s coming out is different and it is expressed differently.

If you want to apply for a spot for 1:1 Grief Coaching, go to www.meganhillukka.com/griefcoaching

If you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community

72: ANTS Thoughts

“Ants may be tiny but they can definitely ruin your picnic. That’s how our negative thoughts can ruin our day”.

• Dr. Daniel Amen

In this episode, we are going to talk about different types of ANTs ( Automatic Negative Thoughts) , and how we can relate these in grieving.

Episode Pointers:

• Thoughts are real, and they have a direct impact on how you feel and how you behave. 

• “You don’t have to believe every thought that goes through your head. It’s important to think about your thoughts, to see if they help you , or hurt you.

• There are horrible and painful parts of grief, and there are parts where the sun shines, and you can see the beauty because you’ve seen so much darkness.

Types of ANTs:

1.  All or nothing thinking: All good or All bad - We always think that someone or a situation is all good or all bad and nothing in between. Remember life is 50/50. 

2. Always thinking:  That something that happened will always repeat itself. 

3. Focusing on the negative:  If you are looking through the lens of guilt and what you have done wrong, you are focusing on all the reasons why you should be at fault and the reason your child is no longer here. 

4. Thinking with your feelings: This is when you believe your feelings without ever questioning them. However, feeling  a certain way doesn’t mean it’s always true.

5. Guilt Beatings: Guilt is typically not a helpful emotion. Letting go of all the things you should do in your life. The guilt and the stress of saying you should be doing something only makes it harder to do. 

6. Labeling: When you attach a label to yourself or someone else, it doesn’t allow you to take a clear look at the picture.

7.  Blaming: This is all about not taking personal responsibility for your life, and you blame others for the problems in your life. This is really toxic, because it takes away any control you have for yourself and gives it to everyone else around you.

Resource Book :

Change Your Brain, Change Your Life by Dr. Daniel Amen

If you want to apply for a spot for 1:1 Grief Coaching, go to www.meganhillukka.com/griefcoaching

Join my free class on How to Get Through Grief on November 10th. This is for you if you are feeling stuck, lost, and unsure how to move forward. You can go to this link to register:

https://hello71e5ca.clickfunnels.com/webinar-registrationsnm6y6nq

If you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community

Some links may contain affiliate links in which I receive a small commission if you decide to purchase something, this helps support the grief work I'm doing.

71 : Ways to Remember Your Child This Season

In this episode, I am going to share with you some tips on how your child will be noticed or remembered in this holiday season.

If you want your child remembered, plan something or do something that will remember them, and don’t expect or wait for others to do that. So if you want something, in particular, plan it, get it, create it, spread the word, whatever you need to do.

Here are some ideas that we do in particular to remember Aria:

• A picture frame with a lot of pictures of her.

• We light a candle at the gathering that we are at.

• In our home, we have a statue of a little girl, wind chimes, bird feeder. On Christmas, we have a few more things like ornaments.

• Our tradition is that Santa brings something in Aria’s stocking.In her stocking comes a game or puzzle, or last year was a year pass to the science museum.

• We go sing at the cemetery on Christmas Eve. 

• We have gone to Angel of Hope ceremonies, and different events put on by the hospitals.

• For All Saint’s Day, it was a very special moment when Justin had the kids blow out candles we had lit, and before they could blow out the candle, they would say something they remembered about Aria or something they wished they could do with her. 

Keeping your child’s memory alive and talking about them is something I know you want so badly. You never want them to be forgotten. So keep their memory alive. Do things that feel like you can connect to them.

Other things that you can do :

• Bake something they liked

• Write letters to them

• Lit a candle for them

• Ask other people what a memory they have is of them

• Watch some videos if you have some

• Donate to a cause in their name

• If you find something that you could buy for your child and wish you could, buy it and gift it to someone else

• Play their favorite music or music that reminds you of them

• Create a memory book of them

• Create a memory video

• Send out cards

• Do a fundraiser like a 5k run or walk in their memory

If you want to apply for a spot for 1:1 Grief Coaching, go to www.meganhillukka.com/griefcoaching

Join my free class on How to Get Through Grief. This is for you if you are feeling stuck, lost, and unsure how to move forward. You can go to this link to register: https://hello71e5ca.clickfunnels.com/webinar-registrationsnm6y6nq

If you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community

70: Grief as a Child

We have a special guest for this episode, Randi Pearlman Wolfson, who’s going to show us how grief looks into a child’s eyes

She first experienced grief when she lost her dad at the age of 10.There wasn’t any kind of grief support way back then so she failed to process her grief up until she received grief support in her early adulthood.

Episode pointers:

• Teachers should be educated how to handle kids in grief, and teach their classmates how to support their grieving friend.

• Families should have open conversations about a dying family member.

• If there was counseling during that time, she would have expressed her grief in a healthier way.

• It’s never too late to address your grief.

• It’s not grief that sucks, it’s the death that sucks. Grief is what we have to embrace and that’s what can hopefully allow us to move through our life is by embracing the grief. Embracing the feelings that are bubbling within us and to not  be afraid of that.

• Reach out in somewhere or some way so that you will not feel alone.

• Grief is lifelong.

Tips for moms:

• Help yourself  and make sure that you have a place, an outlet, and support because the better that we are supported, the more we have to give to our child.

• Have conversations with your child about their departed loved one

• It is important not be afraid to show your emotions in front of your child

You can get in touch with Randi through :

Fb (Grief and Grits) https://www.facebook.com/griefandgrits

IG : (Grief and Grits) https://www.instagram.com/griefandgrits/

Website : https://www.griefandgrits.com/

Her Book : Eddie’s Brave Journey

If you want to apply for a spot for 1:1 Grief Coaching, go to www.meganhillukka.com/griefcoaching

Join my free class on How to Get Through Grief. This is for you if you are feeling stuck, lost, and unsure how to move forward. You can go to this link to register: https://hello71e5ca.clickfunnels.com/webinar-registrationsnm6y6nq

If you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group:www.meganhillukka.com/community