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3 Analogies of Grief That Have Helped Me

Analogies of grief help me see a bigger picture, and I’ve used a few along the way to help me make sense in my mind what I have been experiencing. Grief is so foreign and unknown in the beginning. I think the reason it’s gotten easier for me, is that I've become more comfortable with my grief. The feelings and emotions that come with it are more familiar. It doesn’t mean it’s so much less painful, but more that it’s become so much a part of me that it’s part of who I am.

The Person Called Grief

The first analogy I want to dive into is the analogy of this person called grief. This person named grief has come to walk with you the rest of your life. They are this invisible person that not everyone else can see, but you can and they are always there. Right away, you fight and tell this person to go away. You want to get rid of them, you didn’t ask them to come here. This person called grief stays and is persistent. They scare you, and make you feel many things you never knew were possible to experience and you want to fight them. It’s so incredibly exhausting to have them walking beside you.

As time goes on, you start to get more comfortable with this person. You realize, that even though you keep fighting them, and wanting them to go away that this person called grief is not going away. They are here to stay. Then you can start to relax and get comfortable with this person. This is how I think of my grief as time has gone on. I fought and fought to not have grief in my life. It’s so horrific and painful, but over time, I’ve come to accept it as my normal and part of who I am.

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The Shattered Foundation

The second analogy I want to walk through is this vision of a house. Before your child died you have a house on a foundation. This foundation has this deep belief that nothing horrible will happen to you. Things might have happened in the past, but this foundation keeps you standing and keeps you sane as you go believing the best for yourself in your life. Then your child dies. You house and your whole foundation is shattered. Everything can be questioned. Everything is broken in your life. There is no up or down or one way to go.

The tough work is in front of you, and this is to rebuild this foundation. This work is rebuilding trust in your life, and faith that you can keep going and you will be okay. It’s so frustrating, depressing, agonizing to look at the shattered foundation and house, and makes you despair to even think about rebuilding it. All you want is the perfectly beautiful house you had in the past.

As you work brick by brick to rebuild this foundation, you can start to see the strength you are building, and the life and the possibility of a future before you. It takes time and work, and sometimes you need to take a break. Sometimes you need to rest, and then you can get back to the tough work. If you want to rebuild you need to do this work. When you are finished, there are cracks and scars, these cracks show the pain and tears you cried as you worked to rebuild this house. There might even be a dent in the wall when you got really angry. But this house is beautiful, and it’s yours. Scars, cracks, and all. And it’s proof that even after a shattered foundation, that it’s possible to build again.

This analogy to me is the feeling that our life is shattered and broken. It seems so impossible to go on and live without our child. It’s difficult to dream and see and possibilities in the future. So many changes come quickly all at once, and they all need to be grieved and worked through.

The Grief Button

The last analogy I wanted to walk through today is just a picture of grief. Think of your grief as a button inside a box. There is a ball in that box, and in the beginning, your grief takes up the entire box. The ball bounces around in that box and hits that button constantly. Grief is your whole life, there is nothing that gives you a break or respite from this pain. This button is hit over and over again. As time goes on you and start working on pushing that box bigger, the grief button is still the same size, but the box starts getting bigger. The ball bounces around and hits the grief button less and less. When it hits, it brings up many of the same things it always has, it just starts to hit the button less often because the box is bigger. 


This is what it means to grow your life bigger around grief. We do not get over it, or move on from it. Grief is always there, and it doesn’t get smaller. Your life can grow bigger around it, so that your grief is not the only thing that is in your life anymore. It’s still there, just not as overwhelming.


I hope these analogies make sense to you. Take them or leave them. There are so many more that I can talk about, many I will someday. I have just found that finding a way to try to make sense of what I am experiencing helps me put my grief into perspective a little bit. Do any of them resonate with you? If so, which one is your favorite?



Grief Writings
To Another Grieving Mother
To Another Grieving Mother

There is nothing anyone can say or do to take away the pain you are experiencing. I know the pain deeply of losing my daughter Aria, and I’m so incredibly sorry you know the pain of losing your child. This pain is unlike anything I have ever experienced before. I was told in the beginning, that I have to walk through grief. That I cannot shove it away or hide from it, and I have found that to be so true. I wanted to go to sleep and wake up on the other side of grief, yet- I couldn’t. I knew I had to walk through grief. This is something I would offer to you. Grief does not go away even when we pretend it’s not there. Grief will wait, patiently, until either you choose to face it, or it cannot be held in anymore.

2 Things Grieving Mothers Wish you knew
2 Things Grieving Mothers Wish you knew

When your friend loses their child, it changes many things about them. They lose their innocence and joy of life. Child loss changes their perspective, their emotions, their outlook. It impacts their mental health. Friendships and other relationships can change drastically. The person they once were is gone, right along with their old life. Think of how you are changed and shaped by the events and things that happen in your life, and you will start to understand that your friend is deeply and profoundly changed from the loss of their child.

3 Analogies of Grief That Have Helped Me
3 Analogies of Grief That Have Helped Me

Analogies of grief help me see a bigger picture, and I’ve used a few along the way to help me make sense in my mind what I have been experiencing. Grief is so foreign and unknown in the beginning. I think the reason it’s gotten easier for me, is that I've become more comfortable with my grief. The feelings and emotions that come with it are more familiar. It doesn’t mean it’s so much less painful, but more that it’s become so much a part of me that it’s part of who I am.

How many kids do you have?
How many kids do you have?

How many kids do you have? The dreaded question after you lose a child. There are so many ways to answer this question, and so many things that can pull at your heart. I would have never thought about it before Aria died. That this question of how many kids you have is such a terrible question to answer when you lose a child. I had no idea that such an innocent question can bring up such anguish.

On the Day Aria Died
On the Day Aria Died

I have not written about the day Aria died. Many people do not even know what happened to her, or how she died. I talk a lot about grief, PTSD, and dealing with the aftermath of death. Most of the time, I don’t share much about the day she died. It’s not because I don’t want to share. I think the details and the events surrounding her death and what happened are so traumatic for me, and they might be hard for others to read.

If only...
If only...

How many times have the words “if only” echoed through your mind? Replaying events of your child’s death over and over again. Wondering all the if only’s you can. These questions and anxieties often translate into feelings of guilt, and like we didn’t do enough to save our child.

The Grief Comparison Game
The Grief Comparison Game

There is this little game of who has it worse that always seems to pop up in conversations. Someone says something that is difficult in their life, and another person is like, oh yeah? Wait until you hear how bad I have it. Or else they say, well that’s not so horrible, did you hear about so and so? They have it way worse than you.

It's been 3 years...You're still not over it?
It's been 3 years...You're still not over it?

Have you been asked if you are doing okay yet? Or if you are over it yet? Or when are you going to get back to your normal self?

These questions are painful, and they magnify someone’s ignorance on what it means to lose a child. If you still have living children, are you allowed to talk about them? But if you have a child who is died, you aren’t? They are still very much there in your heart and on your mind, even if their life here on earth has ended. They are almost on your mind more. It’s not that you loved them any more than your other children, but the grief and pain over losing them is so great that is takes a huge hold over your life.

Tomorrow is Not Guaranteed
Tomorrow is Not Guaranteed

I know when you lose a child it can be hard to even fathom the purpose and the why of the reason. Even if you believe this like I do- that things are not in my control, and that Aria’s time on earth was up, and there is nothing I can do to change that- doesn’t mean that I don’t wonder and question why it has to be that way. Why my child? Why was her life cut so short? Why this pain and suffering? How can this be? What’s the purpose in that?

Am I still a Mother?
Am I still a Mother?

With Mother’s Day coming up, there can be a lot of anxiety and dread to this day. I’ve been thinking about Mother’s Day and what it means to me. I’ve heard many mothers ask- am I still a Mother? Can I still be called a Mother, even if I don’t have a living child. Yes- you are a mother. When we become a mother, we are always a mother no matter what happens.

Megan Hillukka