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It's been 3 years...You're still not over it?

Have you been asked if you are doing okay yet? Or if you are over it yet? Or when are you going to get back to your normal self?

This is our last and final picture of Aria- little did we know it would be the last.

This is our last and final picture of Aria- little did we know it would be the last.

These questions are painful, and they magnify someone’s ignorance on what it means to lose a child. If you still have living children, are you allowed to talk about them? But if you have a child who is died, you aren’t? They are still very much there in your heart and on your mind, even if their life here on earth has ended. They are almost on your mind more. It’s not that you loved them any more than your other children, but the grief and pain over losing them is so great that is takes a huge hold over your life.

There is no going back to the person you once were, or the life you had before. Everything changes and it’s a huge life adjustment. There is no forgetting or moving on from grief, but learning to live and to carry grief.

We are coming up on 3 years since Aria has been gone. I cannot believe that it’s been 3 years. I don’t know where the time has gone, and as time has gone on, I’ve begin to realize what I’ve been told is true. Your grief and love for your child never dies. But it changes and comes and goes.


There are periods where I’m totally fine. Even periods of great joy and contentment. But then there are periods where it’s harder, and the reality hits again that Aria is never coming back. That I will never hold her again. Those moments are PAINFUL! Those moments knock me over, but at the same time, I know those moments are necessary and that they will happen the rest of my life, so I let them in.


I don’t think anyone who has not lost a child can understand how losing a child becomes such a part of you that you don’t always explain to everyone else. I have so many thoughts that are affected and touched by child loss and grief, that don’t ever surface to tell others. Daily, I think about Aria. Daily I think about finding Aria dead, or the worry about finding another child dead. This is not something I just get over. This lives with me the rest of my life, it is so woven deeply into my being and my experience in this life. Just like your experiences good and bad are so woven into your life.

This does not mean you cannot have a good life, but we are shaped by our experiences. We are shaped by what has happened in our lives, and we can take that and do with it what we will. I will always have PTSD. I will always check that my kids are breathing when they are sleeping. It’s just a part of me now. This does not mean I cannot have children and live joyfully. It also doesn’t mean I’m stuck in the past.

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The little moments every day with my other children- the wondering what it would be like if there was a 4 year old in the midst of them. Watching other 4 year olds play, and wondering how Aria would be. When Brilynn is throwing a fit, I wonder how it would be if Aria was here in the mix. Watching Winston become the same age as her, how I miss watching her do the same things as him.

It never leaves.

The memories, the wishes, the missing her, it’s always there. But it changes and it’s not as heavy as it was in the beginning, or even the first year or two. This is my story though, it might be different for you. It has changed to something where pictures and videos of her are not as painful as they are comforting. I’m not as sad that she’s gone, as thankful that I got to be her Mother.

Aria has taught me so much in her short life. The loss of her has taught me so much. I've learned on a really deep level that none of us gets out of this life without heavy trials or hard things in our life. None of us will have an easy and uneventful life. And one thing is certain. All of us will have grief in one form or another in our lives.

So no- I’m not over it. I’m not going to forget Aria. But talking about Aria does not mean I’m stuck in the past. Talking about Aria does not mean I’m broken or can’t get a hold of myself. Talking about Aria does not mean I cannot have joy in my life now, and still remember and grieve her.

I’m not over it, I’ve learned to carry my grief. And It will be with me for the rest of my life. I don’t want to “get over it” because my grief is a reminder that I am Aria’s mother. It’s a reminder that I’ve loved and I’ve lost. It’s a reminder that I love her still. It’s a reminder to me of what’s important in my life- and a refocusing on the relationships I have.

I’m not over it, so please don’t ask me to be.


Featured
To Another Grieving Mother
To Another Grieving Mother

There is nothing anyone can say or do to take away the pain you are experiencing. I know the pain deeply of losing my daughter Aria, and I’m so incredibly sorry you know the pain of losing your child. This pain is unlike anything I have ever experienced before. I was told in the beginning, that I have to walk through grief. That I cannot shove it away or hide from it, and I have found that to be so true. I wanted to go to sleep and wake up on the other side of grief, yet- I couldn’t. I knew I had to walk through grief. This is something I would offer to you. Grief does not go away even when we pretend it’s not there. Grief will wait, patiently, until either you choose to face it, or it cannot be held in anymore.

2 Things Grieving Mothers Wish you knew
2 Things Grieving Mothers Wish you knew

When your friend loses their child, it changes many things about them. They lose their innocence and joy of life. Child loss changes their perspective, their emotions, their outlook. It impacts their mental health. Friendships and other relationships can change drastically. The person they once were is gone, right along with their old life. Think of how you are changed and shaped by the events and things that happen in your life, and you will start to understand that your friend is deeply and profoundly changed from the loss of their child.

3 Analogies of Grief That Have Helped Me
3 Analogies of Grief That Have Helped Me

Analogies of grief help me see a bigger picture, and I’ve used a few along the way to help me make sense in my mind what I have been experiencing. Grief is so foreign and unknown in the beginning. I think the reason it’s gotten easier for me, is that I've become more comfortable with my grief. The feelings and emotions that come with it are more familiar. It doesn’t mean it’s so much less painful, but more that it’s become so much a part of me that it’s part of who I am.

How many kids do you have?
How many kids do you have?

How many kids do you have? The dreaded question after you lose a child. There are so many ways to answer this question, and so many things that can pull at your heart. I would have never thought about it before Aria died. That this question of how many kids you have is such a terrible question to answer when you lose a child. I had no idea that such an innocent question can bring up such anguish.

On the Day Aria Died
On the Day Aria Died

I have not written about the day Aria died. Many people do not even know what happened to her, or how she died. I talk a lot about grief, PTSD, and dealing with the aftermath of death. Most of the time, I don’t share much about the day she died. It’s not because I don’t want to share. I think the details and the events surrounding her death and what happened are so traumatic for me, and they might be hard for others to read.

If only...
If only...

How many times have the words “if only” echoed through your mind? Replaying events of your child’s death over and over again. Wondering all the if only’s you can. These questions and anxieties often translate into feelings of guilt, and like we didn’t do enough to save our child.

The Grief Comparison Game
The Grief Comparison Game

There is this little game of who has it worse that always seems to pop up in conversations. Someone says something that is difficult in their life, and another person is like, oh yeah? Wait until you hear how bad I have it. Or else they say, well that’s not so horrible, did you hear about so and so? They have it way worse than you.

It's been 3 years...You're still not over it?
It's been 3 years...You're still not over it?

Have you been asked if you are doing okay yet? Or if you are over it yet? Or when are you going to get back to your normal self?

These questions are painful, and they magnify someone’s ignorance on what it means to lose a child. If you still have living children, are you allowed to talk about them? But if you have a child who is died, you aren’t? They are still very much there in your heart and on your mind, even if their life here on earth has ended. They are almost on your mind more. It’s not that you loved them any more than your other children, but the grief and pain over losing them is so great that is takes a huge hold over your life.

Tomorrow is Not Guaranteed
Tomorrow is Not Guaranteed

I know when you lose a child it can be hard to even fathom the purpose and the why of the reason. Even if you believe this like I do- that things are not in my control, and that Aria’s time on earth was up, and there is nothing I can do to change that- doesn’t mean that I don’t wonder and question why it has to be that way. Why my child? Why was her life cut so short? Why this pain and suffering? How can this be? What’s the purpose in that?

Am I still a Mother?
Am I still a Mother?

With Mother’s Day coming up, there can be a lot of anxiety and dread to this day. I’ve been thinking about Mother’s Day and what it means to me. I’ve heard many mothers ask- am I still a Mother? Can I still be called a Mother, even if I don’t have a living child. Yes- you are a mother. When we become a mother, we are always a mother no matter what happens.

Megan Hillukka