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Tomorrow is Not Guaranteed

“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.”

-Ecclesiastes 3:1-8


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I know when you lose a child it can be hard to even fathom the purpose and the why of the reason. Even if you believe this like I do- that things are not in my control, and that Aria’s time on earth was up, and there is nothing I can do to change that- doesn’t mean that I don’t wonder and question why it has to be that way. Why my child? Why was her life cut so short? Why this pain and suffering? How can this be? What’s the purpose in that?

I’ve been thinking a lot about the seasons of life. I’ve learned, that tomorrow is not guaranteed. My life, my husbands life, my children’s life- they can all end tomorrow. If I wait my whole life waiting for the next thing, I’m missing out on this moment. This time with my kids, this time as a mother, this time as a wife, this time as a friend. I can find so many heavy things in my life, and at the same time, I can also find many things to be thankful for and grateful for.

I know raising little kids is hard- that’s where I’m at. It’s a lot of giving- and I will be honest with you, I feel like I’m a very selfish person. It would be so easy to wish these years away, because it’s tiring, and sleepless nights, and crying tantrums that I don’t know what’s going on. But, I’ve been thinking a lot that I want to enjoy these years. I want to enjoy when my kids are all under my roof. When I know where they are at night. These are the days, where I can snuggle my babies and read to my kids.

I want to enjoy them now- not in 20 years when the moments are long gone, or as I’ve learned, because the moments are not possible anymore with that child, or with my husband, or with my friends.

What if instead of living my life waiting for the next thing, instead of just “getting through” these difficult years, I looked for the good. What if I sat and noticed the joy that my kids bring me. What if I took the time to see the beauty and thank God for the life I have been given. It doesn’t mean I think my life is perfect, and that I don’t have difficult days, but I want to spend more time seeing the beauty instead of seeing the negative side of things.

I could easily wait for when our kids are older, and we have more time as a couple. But what if our years together are now? We are not guaranteed life into retirement. I have lost a child- and I know I’m not exempt from losing another. Neither are you.

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I believe there is a time to mourn, and a time to be sad. A time to grieve, and a time to cry. But I also want to believe that there is a time for joy, and a time for contentment. A time for laughter, and a time for peace. I 1000% believe that mourning has a purpose, and it will be with me, and with you for the rest of our lives. But I believe there is room for both- our grief and our joy.

Take this as a gentle reminder for you, and for me- that our days are unknown, and we might not have tomorrow. I know many people say that, but do they actually live that way? Do they actually notice the little things, and soak in the good moments? I wish it didn’t take me losing my daughter to learn this.

Your life is yours. Your grief is yours. Just like my life is mine, and my grief is only mine. What do you want to notice in your life and how do you want to live?

Featured
To Another Grieving Mother
To Another Grieving Mother

There is nothing anyone can say or do to take away the pain you are experiencing. I know the pain deeply of losing my daughter Aria, and I’m so incredibly sorry you know the pain of losing your child. This pain is unlike anything I have ever experienced before. I was told in the beginning, that I have to walk through grief. That I cannot shove it away or hide from it, and I have found that to be so true. I wanted to go to sleep and wake up on the other side of grief, yet- I couldn’t. I knew I had to walk through grief. This is something I would offer to you. Grief does not go away even when we pretend it’s not there. Grief will wait, patiently, until either you choose to face it, or it cannot be held in anymore.

2 Things Grieving Mothers Wish you knew
2 Things Grieving Mothers Wish you knew

When your friend loses their child, it changes many things about them. They lose their innocence and joy of life. Child loss changes their perspective, their emotions, their outlook. It impacts their mental health. Friendships and other relationships can change drastically. The person they once were is gone, right along with their old life. Think of how you are changed and shaped by the events and things that happen in your life, and you will start to understand that your friend is deeply and profoundly changed from the loss of their child.

3 Analogies of Grief That Have Helped Me
3 Analogies of Grief That Have Helped Me

Analogies of grief help me see a bigger picture, and I’ve used a few along the way to help me make sense in my mind what I have been experiencing. Grief is so foreign and unknown in the beginning. I think the reason it’s gotten easier for me, is that I've become more comfortable with my grief. The feelings and emotions that come with it are more familiar. It doesn’t mean it’s so much less painful, but more that it’s become so much a part of me that it’s part of who I am.

How many kids do you have?
How many kids do you have?

How many kids do you have? The dreaded question after you lose a child. There are so many ways to answer this question, and so many things that can pull at your heart. I would have never thought about it before Aria died. That this question of how many kids you have is such a terrible question to answer when you lose a child. I had no idea that such an innocent question can bring up such anguish.

On the Day Aria Died
On the Day Aria Died

I have not written about the day Aria died. Many people do not even know what happened to her, or how she died. I talk a lot about grief, PTSD, and dealing with the aftermath of death. Most of the time, I don’t share much about the day she died. It’s not because I don’t want to share. I think the details and the events surrounding her death and what happened are so traumatic for me, and they might be hard for others to read.

If only...
If only...

How many times have the words “if only” echoed through your mind? Replaying events of your child’s death over and over again. Wondering all the if only’s you can. These questions and anxieties often translate into feelings of guilt, and like we didn’t do enough to save our child.

The Grief Comparison Game
The Grief Comparison Game

There is this little game of who has it worse that always seems to pop up in conversations. Someone says something that is difficult in their life, and another person is like, oh yeah? Wait until you hear how bad I have it. Or else they say, well that’s not so horrible, did you hear about so and so? They have it way worse than you.

It's been 3 years...You're still not over it?
It's been 3 years...You're still not over it?

Have you been asked if you are doing okay yet? Or if you are over it yet? Or when are you going to get back to your normal self?

These questions are painful, and they magnify someone’s ignorance on what it means to lose a child. If you still have living children, are you allowed to talk about them? But if you have a child who is died, you aren’t? They are still very much there in your heart and on your mind, even if their life here on earth has ended. They are almost on your mind more. It’s not that you loved them any more than your other children, but the grief and pain over losing them is so great that is takes a huge hold over your life.

Tomorrow is Not Guaranteed
Tomorrow is Not Guaranteed

I know when you lose a child it can be hard to even fathom the purpose and the why of the reason. Even if you believe this like I do- that things are not in my control, and that Aria’s time on earth was up, and there is nothing I can do to change that- doesn’t mean that I don’t wonder and question why it has to be that way. Why my child? Why was her life cut so short? Why this pain and suffering? How can this be? What’s the purpose in that?

Am I still a Mother?
Am I still a Mother?

With Mother’s Day coming up, there can be a lot of anxiety and dread to this day. I’ve been thinking about Mother’s Day and what it means to me. I’ve heard many mothers ask- am I still a Mother? Can I still be called a Mother, even if I don’t have a living child. Yes- you are a mother. When we become a mother, we are always a mother no matter what happens.

Megan Hillukka