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To Another Grieving Mother

grieving mother child loss

To another grieving mother-

There is nothing anyone can say or do to take away the pain you are experiencing. I know the pain deeply of losing my daughter Aria, and I’m so incredibly sorry you know the pain of losing your child. This pain is unlike anything I have ever experienced before. I was told in the beginning, that I have to walk through grief. That I cannot shove it away or hide from it, and I have found that to be so true. I wanted to go to sleep and wake up on the other side of grief, yet- I couldn’t. I knew I had to walk through grief. This is something I would offer to you. Grief does not go away even when we pretend it’s not there. Grief will wait, patiently, until either you choose to face it, or it cannot be held in anymore.

The emotions that come are so painful and difficult to face. I had never felt such pain, anger, sadness, depression, apathy, hopelessness, fear, anxiety, loneliness, and numbness. I never knew emotions could have such depth. You are not going crazy when you too, experience these. You have experienced such a tremendous loss, and you are having a normal response to the grief you are feeling. Face those emotions head on, don’t be afraid of them. The more you fight them, the stronger they get. When we allow them to flow through us, they go through and dissipate for that moment.

You have experienced something that cannot be explained and something that goes against the normal cycle of life. We as parents, should die before our children, not be burying them. I know you feel shattered and broken. I hated when people told me I was strong. I didn’t feel strong, I felt helpless and like I was just trying to survive. That is how it is in the beginning. Surviving one minute to the next minute. Somewhere along the way, I started surviving hour by hour, then day of day, month by month. This timeline will be different for you. At some point you will realize that it’s not the minutes you are trying to survive but the months.

I know you wonder how you are still standing every day. It seems like the most unfathomable thing to survive? How in the world is life continuing on when my child is dead? How am I still alive? How can I keep going? I’ve many times looked around and been surprised that I’m still standing. I’ve found that the grief that was so crushing in the beginning is still on my shoulders, but my legs have gotten stronger to be able to carry that grief. I am still standing today, and as you work and learn to carry your grief, your legs can also get stronger to carry it.

Losing Aria has changed me forever. On such a deep level I am a different person. Yes there are glimmers of the old me, some parts I wish I could have back, and others I’m thankful for have changed. If you are like me, you will long and grieve your old life. The old you. I’m sorry. You are a different person, and it’s okay to grieve who you once were. You might find ways that you can appreciate who you have become, and maybe you won’t. There might be blessings that you can find, and maybe you won’t. Either way, it’s up to you to navigate and not for anyone else to tell you.

grief and loss, child death, child loss

We are connected through child loss. This is the pain that cannot be explained for described to anyone else. I wish I could make it better. I wish I could change things. I wish I could say ‘you will learn to get over it someday’ or that ‘there are 5 neat little steps to grief and then you are good’. I can’t. I cannot do anything to make your grief lighter or easier. I cannot change the past and neither can you- and that HURTS! I know that grief stays with us the rest of our lives, and while you never need to get over it, you can learn to carry it. I also know, there is no linear step-by-step plan for grief. It’s a crazy roller coaster that each of us will experience in our own time. There is not a plan or road map to follow. It’s a web of crisscrossing emotions that come and go.

Please sweet Mama, take care of yourself. Grieve. Allow yourself to be in your emotions. Learn to recognize what you are feeling and experiencing. You deserve the time and the space to process what you are experiencing. You are the only one that can do the hard work of grief, and you are the only one who can make the choice to keep living in this life. We can choose if we want to continue fighting for light and joy in our lives, or if we want to die in our hearts when our child has died. You are here for a reason, I believe that so deeply. Allow yourself to grieve, allow yourself space, allow yourself love, allow yourself to remember, but please, also allow yourself to live.


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To Another Grieving Mother
To Another Grieving Mother

There is nothing anyone can say or do to take away the pain you are experiencing. I know the pain deeply of losing my daughter Aria, and I’m so incredibly sorry you know the pain of losing your child. This pain is unlike anything I have ever experienced before. I was told in the beginning, that I have to walk through grief. That I cannot shove it away or hide from it, and I have found that to be so true. I wanted to go to sleep and wake up on the other side of grief, yet- I couldn’t. I knew I had to walk through grief. This is something I would offer to you. Grief does not go away even when we pretend it’s not there. Grief will wait, patiently, until either you choose to face it, or it cannot be held in anymore.

2 Things Grieving Mothers Wish you knew
2 Things Grieving Mothers Wish you knew

When your friend loses their child, it changes many things about them. They lose their innocence and joy of life. Child loss changes their perspective, their emotions, their outlook. It impacts their mental health. Friendships and other relationships can change drastically. The person they once were is gone, right along with their old life. Think of how you are changed and shaped by the events and things that happen in your life, and you will start to understand that your friend is deeply and profoundly changed from the loss of their child.

3 Analogies of Grief That Have Helped Me
3 Analogies of Grief That Have Helped Me

Analogies of grief help me see a bigger picture, and I’ve used a few along the way to help me make sense in my mind what I have been experiencing. Grief is so foreign and unknown in the beginning. I think the reason it’s gotten easier for me, is that I've become more comfortable with my grief. The feelings and emotions that come with it are more familiar. It doesn’t mean it’s so much less painful, but more that it’s become so much a part of me that it’s part of who I am.

How many kids do you have?
How many kids do you have?

How many kids do you have? The dreaded question after you lose a child. There are so many ways to answer this question, and so many things that can pull at your heart. I would have never thought about it before Aria died. That this question of how many kids you have is such a terrible question to answer when you lose a child. I had no idea that such an innocent question can bring up such anguish.

On the Day Aria Died
On the Day Aria Died

I have not written about the day Aria died. Many people do not even know what happened to her, or how she died. I talk a lot about grief, PTSD, and dealing with the aftermath of death. Most of the time, I don’t share much about the day she died. It’s not because I don’t want to share. I think the details and the events surrounding her death and what happened are so traumatic for me, and they might be hard for others to read.

If only...
If only...

How many times have the words “if only” echoed through your mind? Replaying events of your child’s death over and over again. Wondering all the if only’s you can. These questions and anxieties often translate into feelings of guilt, and like we didn’t do enough to save our child.

The Grief Comparison Game
The Grief Comparison Game

There is this little game of who has it worse that always seems to pop up in conversations. Someone says something that is difficult in their life, and another person is like, oh yeah? Wait until you hear how bad I have it. Or else they say, well that’s not so horrible, did you hear about so and so? They have it way worse than you.

It's been 3 years...You're still not over it?
It's been 3 years...You're still not over it?

Have you been asked if you are doing okay yet? Or if you are over it yet? Or when are you going to get back to your normal self?

These questions are painful, and they magnify someone’s ignorance on what it means to lose a child. If you still have living children, are you allowed to talk about them? But if you have a child who is died, you aren’t? They are still very much there in your heart and on your mind, even if their life here on earth has ended. They are almost on your mind more. It’s not that you loved them any more than your other children, but the grief and pain over losing them is so great that is takes a huge hold over your life.

Tomorrow is Not Guaranteed
Tomorrow is Not Guaranteed

I know when you lose a child it can be hard to even fathom the purpose and the why of the reason. Even if you believe this like I do- that things are not in my control, and that Aria’s time on earth was up, and there is nothing I can do to change that- doesn’t mean that I don’t wonder and question why it has to be that way. Why my child? Why was her life cut so short? Why this pain and suffering? How can this be? What’s the purpose in that?

Am I still a Mother?
Am I still a Mother?

With Mother’s Day coming up, there can be a lot of anxiety and dread to this day. I’ve been thinking about Mother’s Day and what it means to me. I’ve heard many mothers ask- am I still a Mother? Can I still be called a Mother, even if I don’t have a living child. Yes- you are a mother. When we become a mother, we are always a mother no matter what happens.

Megan Hillukka