https://www.meganhillukka.com/webinarthankyou 1043205109216070

Is Grief All My Life is Now?

This is before Aria died. We were so carefree and did not know deep trials yet. I can feel that difference in my heart-

This is before Aria died. We were so carefree and did not know deep trials yet. I can feel that difference in my heart-

I was 23 when Aria died. You were probably a different age, but you probably wonder the same thing as me. Is this all my life is going to consist of? Is my life really over? How in the world do I go on without my child?

I know deeply all those questions, as I asked myself them many, many times. I was kind of in shock. I felt so young to already be burying my child. I was too little to have a child, and know the pain of burying that child as well. It felt so unfair! I think any age is too young to bury a child- it’s not the natural order of things. We expect to die before our children.

As I’ve pondered grief, and as I was faced head on with these questions, I KNEW that I didn’t want this to be all my life was. I knew deep down that I had to figure out a way to learn to live with this, because I was only 23. What a long and miserable life I had ahead of me if I didn’t!

I asked other grieving mothers how I can get through this, I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up on the other side. Their answer was the same, a moment at a time, and there is no running from grief. We can try to hide from it, we can busy ourselves from it, we can numb ourselves from it, but it will catch up with us at some point in our lives. If we don’t deal with it now, we will sometime later in our life, because grief is very patient and it will wait for us.

So, I knew that I needed to face my grief head on and deal with it right now. This is also my personality- so it might be different for you because you have a different personality. But I knew, that I didn’t want to push my pain away, because I felt that embracing my pain and allowing it to be, would get me that much closer to learning to live with it.

Quite honestly, my first year after losing my daughter was incredibly intense, and painful. I spent my LIFE in therapy. I went twice a week for many months, where we did an intensive therapy that dove deep into my trauma and the shock, and all the emotions that came up in my body. I learned SO much in those sessions.

I also learned that sometimes I needed a break from my pain. There were so many days of deep sadness and pain, that I started to feel like I was drowning in the depression and sadness that was my life. When I found those moments of joy, I embraced them, I rejoiced that I had a little bit of light shine into my darkness. Oh how few those moments were, but they were life giving to me. They gave me the strength to keep going through yet another spell of darkness and pain.


If I can offer one thing to you my friend, is this. You are driver seat of your life- a life that suddenly spiraled out of control. A life that is suddenly broken and shattered. You get to decide what you want to do. ONLY YOU.

Do you want to have joy again someday? Do you want to learn how to live with your loss? It may seem impossible right now, but I promise it is. And you WILL find your own way if you want. You CAN learn how to live carrying the memories and the love for your child in your heart.

Yes, there are still times I’m sad, angry, depressed, frustrated, that I have to go to the cemetery to visit my daughter. That I have to wonder what it would be like to have a 4 year old running around. That I have to wonder what Aria would be like today? All these questions I still think and ponder every day.

This was taken recently- It is still a real and genuine smile, but there’s a difference. It’s the scars and pains of life that are there now.

This was taken recently- It is still a real and genuine smile, but there’s a difference. It’s the scars and pains of life that are there now.

I tell you that it’s possible for this to change, because I wanted someone to tell me. Even if it felt impossible for me, I wanted to know that I was possible to live a full life, EVEN after losing a child. I wanted to know that there was something I could find joy in eventually, and that maybe someday, laughter would come naturally again. I didn’t know if I would believe it, or understand it back then, but I so badly wanted to hear that I was going to be okay.

So I tell this to you now. It’s possible. It’s possible to learn to live with this. Your life is not over. You are grieving- and that is a part of your life now. When we can learn to carry our grief along with everything else in our life, a beautiful life is still possible.

I know you might not believe me, and that’s okay. But I pray someday you will understand what I’m saying. It is not the same. It will never be the same. But it’s a different kind of joy, and a different level of beauty that is always mixed with grief. As always, I want to say that there is no timeline, there is no pressure to be somewhere you are not. We all grieve in our own time.

I want to invite you to join me in my totally free online workshop called “3 myths of grief” Where I will dive into these 3 myths that are widely believed but are far from true. I will also talk about how we as grieving mothers can find support. I would love if you can join me! You can GO HERE to save your spot!

Featured
To Another Grieving Mother
To Another Grieving Mother

There is nothing anyone can say or do to take away the pain you are experiencing. I know the pain deeply of losing my daughter Aria, and I’m so incredibly sorry you know the pain of losing your child. This pain is unlike anything I have ever experienced before. I was told in the beginning, that I have to walk through grief. That I cannot shove it away or hide from it, and I have found that to be so true. I wanted to go to sleep and wake up on the other side of grief, yet- I couldn’t. I knew I had to walk through grief. This is something I would offer to you. Grief does not go away even when we pretend it’s not there. Grief will wait, patiently, until either you choose to face it, or it cannot be held in anymore.

2 Things Grieving Mothers Wish you knew
2 Things Grieving Mothers Wish you knew

When your friend loses their child, it changes many things about them. They lose their innocence and joy of life. Child loss changes their perspective, their emotions, their outlook. It impacts their mental health. Friendships and other relationships can change drastically. The person they once were is gone, right along with their old life. Think of how you are changed and shaped by the events and things that happen in your life, and you will start to understand that your friend is deeply and profoundly changed from the loss of their child.

3 Analogies of Grief That Have Helped Me
3 Analogies of Grief That Have Helped Me

Analogies of grief help me see a bigger picture, and I’ve used a few along the way to help me make sense in my mind what I have been experiencing. Grief is so foreign and unknown in the beginning. I think the reason it’s gotten easier for me, is that I've become more comfortable with my grief. The feelings and emotions that come with it are more familiar. It doesn’t mean it’s so much less painful, but more that it’s become so much a part of me that it’s part of who I am.

How many kids do you have?
How many kids do you have?

How many kids do you have? The dreaded question after you lose a child. There are so many ways to answer this question, and so many things that can pull at your heart. I would have never thought about it before Aria died. That this question of how many kids you have is such a terrible question to answer when you lose a child. I had no idea that such an innocent question can bring up such anguish.

On the Day Aria Died
On the Day Aria Died

I have not written about the day Aria died. Many people do not even know what happened to her, or how she died. I talk a lot about grief, PTSD, and dealing with the aftermath of death. Most of the time, I don’t share much about the day she died. It’s not because I don’t want to share. I think the details and the events surrounding her death and what happened are so traumatic for me, and they might be hard for others to read.

If only...
If only...

How many times have the words “if only” echoed through your mind? Replaying events of your child’s death over and over again. Wondering all the if only’s you can. These questions and anxieties often translate into feelings of guilt, and like we didn’t do enough to save our child.

The Grief Comparison Game
The Grief Comparison Game

There is this little game of who has it worse that always seems to pop up in conversations. Someone says something that is difficult in their life, and another person is like, oh yeah? Wait until you hear how bad I have it. Or else they say, well that’s not so horrible, did you hear about so and so? They have it way worse than you.

It's been 3 years...You're still not over it?
It's been 3 years...You're still not over it?

Have you been asked if you are doing okay yet? Or if you are over it yet? Or when are you going to get back to your normal self?

These questions are painful, and they magnify someone’s ignorance on what it means to lose a child. If you still have living children, are you allowed to talk about them? But if you have a child who is died, you aren’t? They are still very much there in your heart and on your mind, even if their life here on earth has ended. They are almost on your mind more. It’s not that you loved them any more than your other children, but the grief and pain over losing them is so great that is takes a huge hold over your life.

Tomorrow is Not Guaranteed
Tomorrow is Not Guaranteed

I know when you lose a child it can be hard to even fathom the purpose and the why of the reason. Even if you believe this like I do- that things are not in my control, and that Aria’s time on earth was up, and there is nothing I can do to change that- doesn’t mean that I don’t wonder and question why it has to be that way. Why my child? Why was her life cut so short? Why this pain and suffering? How can this be? What’s the purpose in that?

Am I still a Mother?
Am I still a Mother?

With Mother’s Day coming up, there can be a lot of anxiety and dread to this day. I’ve been thinking about Mother’s Day and what it means to me. I’ve heard many mothers ask- am I still a Mother? Can I still be called a Mother, even if I don’t have a living child. Yes- you are a mother. When we become a mother, we are always a mother no matter what happens.

Megan Hillukka