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16: There is No Wrong Way to Grieve

Next week’s guest is a woman who is shining her daughter’s light in the world. She uses the lessons she has learned from her daughter to help others in a beautiful way. I’m super excited for you to hear our conversation next week.

Today’s topic is surrounding grief and the common saying there is no wrong way to grieve. Everyone says that over and over. And I'd like to say that we all get to choose how we want to grieve. We all get to choose what methods and ways we use to cope, but there are definitely healthy and unhealthy ways to grieve. When I think of healthy and unhealthy ways to grieve, I think more of what are your goals? Where do you want to get to? How do you want to live your life? And healthy ways are taking you closer there and unhealthy ways are taking you further from there.

For me, I knew I wanted to get to a place of learning how to live again. I did not know how I would get there, but I just knew that I wanted to. I knew that I wanted to be present for my family, for my friends, for my life. And so the choices I made in my grief mattered to me because I knew I wanted to learn how to live with this.

When we say there is no wrong way to grieve, we are doing a disservice to the bereaved. Because when you are in such a fragile state, riding the roller coaster of pain, someone might say, do whatever you need to do to get through the day. There are some pretty scary things we turn to that can easily come to addictions. Drinking, medicating, gambling, shopping, keeping busy, overeating. They are all ways we are trying to numb the pain, trying to run from it. Yes, it may still be there, but in all these ways we are trying to channel the pain.

Something that exacerbates this notion of not feeling our pain is the thought about needing to be strong. We are told you need to be strong, you are so strong, or we think those things. Through the need to be strong, we think we cannot grieve in the way we want to. We think it’s not okay to show emotions. We are forced to put on a mask of pretending that everything is fine. You are not fine! You have lost your child, that is kind of a big deal. Not just a little bump in the road.

So i truly believe, that so many addictions, so many problems, emotional outbursts, tensions, all come from us stuffing and trying to hide our pain. We do not want to feel it. It hurts. It's just a feeling, yet it feels like we'd rather die that feel that. I've found, that by allowing myself to feel this pain, I've been able to move in and out of grief fluidly. That by allowing grief to be a part of me, instead of constantly running from it (which is exhausting) I welcome it. I have learned that I'm okay with not being okay all of the time. I have learned that these more heavy emotions are also part of being on this earth. That these emotions are meant to be felt, otherwise they will become trapped in our bodies, and they can get blown up in our minds. 


Tell me, if you are angry, can someone just tell you to stop being angry? Can someone tell you just to get over it and you will be done being angry? No, either, you don’t talk to them again about it, you pretend you are not angry and try to stuff that anger farther down deep inside of you, or hopefully you find another way to process and work through it, with someone else, or through some other activity.



So, is there a wrong way to grieve? I don’t know. I do believe there are healthy and unhealthy ways of grieving. That if you know where you want to go, the unhealthy ways won’t get you to there. I also really believe that no one sets out wanting to grieve in an unhealthy way. We are just not taught how to feel and process our emotions. We also don’t have healthy outlets or habits of processing our pain. So we try to stuff, pretend, or numb it away. It’s not your fault, but it’s something you can learn. It’s possible to channel your grief into healthier ways of processing. It’s possible to channel your grief and see it as love for your child. It’s totally okay to not be okay 100% of the time. You can grieve, laugh, cry, scream, be angry, be content all within a few moments. Exhausting? Yes, but I feel like doing this has made me more appreciative of the good times, and also more gentle on myself during times that are not so easy.


So, can I offer a few things now? Find a way to begin slowly taking off your mask. Slowly, with people you trust and love, start showing them what it means to grieve your child. And secondly, start trying some ways of channeling your grief that feel like they will get you to where you want to go more, instead of something that isn’t serving you in your life. There are so many things out there that can help, but keeping busy, not  thinking about it, numbing it, are not things that I’ve found to serve me in my grief. 


Thank you for listening today, please let me know what you think by tagging me in Instagram or sending me a message. Sometimes putting all this stuff out there, I have no idea what you are thinking unless you let me know! So I’d love to hear from you!


See you next week!




Blog
To Another Grieving Mother
To Another Grieving Mother

There is nothing anyone can say or do to take away the pain you are experiencing. I know the pain deeply of losing my daughter Aria, and I’m so incredibly sorry you know the pain of losing your child. This pain is unlike anything I have ever experienced before. I was told in the beginning, that I have to walk through grief. That I cannot shove it away or hide from it, and I have found that to be so true. I wanted to go to sleep and wake up on the other side of grief, yet- I couldn’t. I knew I had to walk through grief. This is something I would offer to you. Grief does not go away even when we pretend it’s not there. Grief will wait, patiently, until either you choose to face it, or it cannot be held in anymore.

2 Things Grieving Mothers Wish you knew
2 Things Grieving Mothers Wish you knew

When your friend loses their child, it changes many things about them. They lose their innocence and joy of life. Child loss changes their perspective, their emotions, their outlook. It impacts their mental health. Friendships and other relationships can change drastically. The person they once were is gone, right along with their old life. Think of how you are changed and shaped by the events and things that happen in your life, and you will start to understand that your friend is deeply and profoundly changed from the loss of their child.

3 Analogies of Grief That Have Helped Me
3 Analogies of Grief That Have Helped Me

Analogies of grief help me see a bigger picture, and I’ve used a few along the way to help me make sense in my mind what I have been experiencing. Grief is so foreign and unknown in the beginning. I think the reason it’s gotten easier for me, is that I've become more comfortable with my grief. The feelings and emotions that come with it are more familiar. It doesn’t mean it’s so much less painful, but more that it’s become so much a part of me that it’s part of who I am.

How many kids do you have?
How many kids do you have?

How many kids do you have? The dreaded question after you lose a child. There are so many ways to answer this question, and so many things that can pull at your heart. I would have never thought about it before Aria died. That this question of how many kids you have is such a terrible question to answer when you lose a child. I had no idea that such an innocent question can bring up such anguish.

On the Day Aria Died
On the Day Aria Died

I have not written about the day Aria died. Many people do not even know what happened to her, or how she died. I talk a lot about grief, PTSD, and dealing with the aftermath of death. Most of the time, I don’t share much about the day she died. It’s not because I don’t want to share. I think the details and the events surrounding her death and what happened are so traumatic for me, and they might be hard for others to read.

If only...
If only...

How many times have the words “if only” echoed through your mind? Replaying events of your child’s death over and over again. Wondering all the if only’s you can. These questions and anxieties often translate into feelings of guilt, and like we didn’t do enough to save our child.

The Grief Comparison Game
The Grief Comparison Game

There is this little game of who has it worse that always seems to pop up in conversations. Someone says something that is difficult in their life, and another person is like, oh yeah? Wait until you hear how bad I have it. Or else they say, well that’s not so horrible, did you hear about so and so? They have it way worse than you.

It's been 3 years...You're still not over it?
It's been 3 years...You're still not over it?

Have you been asked if you are doing okay yet? Or if you are over it yet? Or when are you going to get back to your normal self?

These questions are painful, and they magnify someone’s ignorance on what it means to lose a child. If you still have living children, are you allowed to talk about them? But if you have a child who is died, you aren’t? They are still very much there in your heart and on your mind, even if their life here on earth has ended. They are almost on your mind more. It’s not that you loved them any more than your other children, but the grief and pain over losing them is so great that is takes a huge hold over your life.

Tomorrow is Not Guaranteed
Tomorrow is Not Guaranteed

I know when you lose a child it can be hard to even fathom the purpose and the why of the reason. Even if you believe this like I do- that things are not in my control, and that Aria’s time on earth was up, and there is nothing I can do to change that- doesn’t mean that I don’t wonder and question why it has to be that way. Why my child? Why was her life cut so short? Why this pain and suffering? How can this be? What’s the purpose in that?

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Am I still a Mother?

With Mother’s Day coming up, there can be a lot of anxiety and dread to this day. I’ve been thinking about Mother’s Day and what it means to me. I’ve heard many mothers ask- am I still a Mother? Can I still be called a Mother, even if I don’t have a living child. Yes- you are a mother. When we become a mother, we are always a mother no matter what happens.

Megan Hillukka