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18: Surviving the Holidays


Next week on the podcast I’m talking with a bereaved mother who has many layers to her story. I am so grateful she shared her story so openly with me, and her journey with triplets, losing one of her triplets, NICU stays, and child loss in the black community.


So now, I want to talk about surviving the holidays.

I remember my first year after Aria died. I looked around and everyone was so excited for the Christmas season. There is such a feeling of joy, excitement and happiness.

When you are grieving, it seems like all that excitement is too much to handle. And I longed for my old self who could laugh and not have care during the holiday season. My old self who only felt that joy and excitement that everyone else around me seemed to be experiencing. I thought for sure I will never be able to be joyful again.

I want to share my first experience with Thanksgiving the first year after Aria died. It was horrible. But I realized afterwards that it was horrible because I didn’t communicate what I wanted. I had one person say something about her to me, but otherwise no one mentioned her, and it was so hard to be there with everyone else who was laughing and having a good time. I know in grief we kind of expect everyone around us to just know what we want and what to do, but honestly? I didn’t even know what I wanted or needed, so how can others know what I want or need?

The best way I can think of is to keep communication lines open. To communicate what you think you need, but then feel free to change it if you want to. I didn’t say anything on that Thanksgiving, and it made it miserable for me. When we can at least acknowledge Aria in some way, it makes it a lot easier for me to be there.

One thing that was so so special for us, that if you are someone wanting to show love to someone grieving, my mom and dad gave all of us a beautiful gold angel ornament, to all of my siblings and all of us. It felt really nice to have her be remembered not only by us, but now in all of my siblings houses, they also have a gold angel that they will think of Aria every time they see it. 

Another things I’ve learned over the couple holiday seasons without Aria is it might change, what you want to do. One year might be awful and you realize that this is what you need, so then next year you change it. There definitely is not one way to get through the holidays, and it’s so important that you allow space for yourself during this time. And give yourself grace to change things up if you want every year.

  1. Create traditions that include your child, some of the traditions we have done is lighting candles, singing songs in her memory, we have a scrapbook that I made of her that we’ve brought to places. On Christmas eve we go to the cemetery to sing and light candles, along with Justin’s parents because Aria is buried next to his sister Annette. This is a tradition Justin has done his whole life, because of Annette as well. We have many ornaments, and different things we decorate with that represent and show Aria. We also have a stocking for Aria, and santa brings something for our family to do together in her stocking. Last year was a puzzle that we could all do together. I’ve heard of other people having a different ornament coming in their child’s stocking every year that then they put on the tree. We have also decided to spend more time as just our little family on Christmas. We used to spend every waking moment with everyone else, and it’s so nice to just be our family together. There is just something about losing a child that makes you appreciate the time with your kids together.

  2. Set boundaries, and give yourself space to change plans if you need to. If going to a party sounds overwhelming, but you do want to go at the same time, plan to go, and have a plan B if it’s not working for you. Have a way to leave early, or allow yourself to not go last minute if you don’t need to. If you have boundaries and plans that need to be set with family, because you have different plans, you can write them a letter, call them, or whatever you need to do, but that hard conversation has to happen, and then when you have the boundary in place, you can feel free to stick to it.

  3. This Christmas season doesn’t HAVE to be awful. I know that I’m talking about surviving the holidays. I know so many are dreading this season, and would prefer to disappear until January. But, I also want to bring another side to it. The whole entire season doesn’t have to be bad. The whole season doesn’t have to be sad. There can be sad moments, and happy moments all mixed together if you want. Just because everyone else is dreading it doesn’t mean you have to. It is hard when there are so many reminders and family get togethers and all this joy when you might not be feeling it, but if it’s not such a horrible season for you, you are not a bad or wrong person either. I know for me, most of the holidays I’ve had moments in the day that I cried, and I’ve also had moments when I laughed and had fun. This felt right for me. It felt like I could remember Aria and be so incredibly sad that she was not with us, but then I could also be present with the people around me. And then I haven’t felt the need to dread the holidays, because it just is. It’s all a part of who I am now, and this is how my seasons look. Filled with both grief and joy.

If you have any other suggestions for surviving the holidays, I would love to hear them. Please let me know on Instagram, or send me a message and tell me what you do! I love feedback, and I also love having conversations with you, instead of me just talking into this microphone by myself.

Thank you for joining me today, and I will see you next week!






Blog
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To Another Grieving Mother

There is nothing anyone can say or do to take away the pain you are experiencing. I know the pain deeply of losing my daughter Aria, and I’m so incredibly sorry you know the pain of losing your child. This pain is unlike anything I have ever experienced before. I was told in the beginning, that I have to walk through grief. That I cannot shove it away or hide from it, and I have found that to be so true. I wanted to go to sleep and wake up on the other side of grief, yet- I couldn’t. I knew I had to walk through grief. This is something I would offer to you. Grief does not go away even when we pretend it’s not there. Grief will wait, patiently, until either you choose to face it, or it cannot be held in anymore.

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2 Things Grieving Mothers Wish you knew

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3 Analogies of Grief That Have Helped Me
3 Analogies of Grief That Have Helped Me

Analogies of grief help me see a bigger picture, and I’ve used a few along the way to help me make sense in my mind what I have been experiencing. Grief is so foreign and unknown in the beginning. I think the reason it’s gotten easier for me, is that I've become more comfortable with my grief. The feelings and emotions that come with it are more familiar. It doesn’t mean it’s so much less painful, but more that it’s become so much a part of me that it’s part of who I am.

How many kids do you have?
How many kids do you have?

How many kids do you have? The dreaded question after you lose a child. There are so many ways to answer this question, and so many things that can pull at your heart. I would have never thought about it before Aria died. That this question of how many kids you have is such a terrible question to answer when you lose a child. I had no idea that such an innocent question can bring up such anguish.

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On the Day Aria Died

I have not written about the day Aria died. Many people do not even know what happened to her, or how she died. I talk a lot about grief, PTSD, and dealing with the aftermath of death. Most of the time, I don’t share much about the day she died. It’s not because I don’t want to share. I think the details and the events surrounding her death and what happened are so traumatic for me, and they might be hard for others to read.

If only...
If only...

How many times have the words “if only” echoed through your mind? Replaying events of your child’s death over and over again. Wondering all the if only’s you can. These questions and anxieties often translate into feelings of guilt, and like we didn’t do enough to save our child.

The Grief Comparison Game
The Grief Comparison Game

There is this little game of who has it worse that always seems to pop up in conversations. Someone says something that is difficult in their life, and another person is like, oh yeah? Wait until you hear how bad I have it. Or else they say, well that’s not so horrible, did you hear about so and so? They have it way worse than you.

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It's been 3 years...You're still not over it?

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These questions are painful, and they magnify someone’s ignorance on what it means to lose a child. If you still have living children, are you allowed to talk about them? But if you have a child who is died, you aren’t? They are still very much there in your heart and on your mind, even if their life here on earth has ended. They are almost on your mind more. It’s not that you loved them any more than your other children, but the grief and pain over losing them is so great that is takes a huge hold over your life.

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With Mother’s Day coming up, there can be a lot of anxiety and dread to this day. I’ve been thinking about Mother’s Day and what it means to me. I’ve heard many mothers ask- am I still a Mother? Can I still be called a Mother, even if I don’t have a living child. Yes- you are a mother. When we become a mother, we are always a mother no matter what happens.

Megan Hillukka